The Rocky Effect

Feeling a change. My inner Rocky is surfacing. I don’t know if it is a me thing or something from where I come from but you can’t lie down for too long.
Crashing and burning so epically again Is fine.. feeling sad and having a good cry equally ok. But then just like Rocky being pummelled by that big Russian bloke on steroids and on the floor for the count… something kicks in that makes me pull myself back up on those ropes and try and get back into the fight.
I mean after the epic car crash of ibiza I knew I was spinning out of control. Although with S as my safety net I was told. “Baby you are adorable. We totally love ya ❤️
What gets rocky up to fight on even when it looks like he”s defeated and got nothing left. Heart. You can’t just give up. Not in the ring or life.
If you have never had one of those running up the steps and jumping with your arms in the air moments then perhaps you have never really lived or taken a risk.
These things are totally sent to try us and I won’t lie, my heart has taken the biggest battering of my life.
Behind my crazy I’m a actually a pretty normal girl. I know L .. relatively. Fun loving and dreamy.
I love life. I love people. I love to laugh and have fun. I love trying new things and going places and challenging myself. And I also love seeing all the little things that others miss and being quiet and happily dreamy looking at the clouds. I love being a mum, a lover and a good friend. Basically I’m more than this shadow that is caught in something that feels really difficult, really worrying and even more crazy than I am.
I mean I watched an episode of friends. The one where Rachel is living with her ex Ross and their baby. As if that would happen!!!
Hello!!! I didn’t choose it. Trying to be nice and patient and understanding so as to keep a good relationship for our girl meant that everything was able to be hidden until it was almost too late But sometimes you just have to roll with the punches, ACCEPT it, try and deal with it and pull yourself back up and start fighting again. Thats where I’m at.
It came from nowhere yesterday but as soon as heroes Tove Lo, was playing in my ears I knew I was pulling on those ropes.
Getting a little closer each day to hopefully securing that massive loan required to pay back the money that was foolishly invested by P. Done for the right reasons but if I’ve learnt anything it’s that nothing is a sure thing. I can’t feel angry. And I’m not a little victim in this. I totally own my share in this crazy and ridiculous mess.
I can’t tell you how weird life feels right now. On the plus side in trying to work on building that good relationship made from love and care we are good friends again so we can chat. Avoiding as far as possible the crazy situ we are in and all the various sadness on top of that, and focussing on the architecture of London.
Gotta love London.
And if nothing else right now he does seem to be feeling better and happier. Working and going out with friends. I was left with the mountain of sadness as he progressed into a better and more hopeful place. That feels good. Well for him at least. But, and feel free to call me an idiot, I do really want that for him. And there feels more of an acceptance of what we are now. I placed my chip and gambled my heart and I lost.
But don’t ever give up on Rocky. I may still be down but never quite out and at some point I will be running up those steps and jumping again .

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