Where a Heart has Value

Another beautiful day and not just the weather, which had me at hello when I woke up.

Today I resigned from sonewhere I have worked for 2 years.
I don’t finish there properly until December but my need to earn more is my driver and I will start to figure out how to do that.
For a moment the other day in my moment of cynical I had thought that perhaps I should ramp up my blog from love and dreamy to something a little more fifty shades.
I’m not sure love and dreamy will ever line my pockets in the same way as a little soft porn.
Girl in the red room of pain. Aren’t I!!! 😊
When I picked my new good karma card for this week “offer a favour to a friend”, I thought I might just have my first chapter there.

Anyways Just before speaking to my boss about my reasons I saw four different people. My last was a connection that is making a difference to my world also. Being thanked for hearing something that was so sad and tragic and took us well over our time was something very special in my lifetime. I never felt so honoured to share something. They are a very special person and I wish to be whatever is needed to hold their hand through this sadness. Their openness in what it looked like left me almost crying, feeling their deep rooted pain and wanting to delay my end date so that I could continue this journey with them. They deserve that care.
Another person I have known for a long time now, always tells me what a difference this time with me makes.
I can’t tell you right now what a difference that makes to my world in hearing that my heart has had real value somewhere. That for all that others laugh and look down from their high towers, that it has a purpose and a place for those that need a little more than a bit of theory. I guess there is a place for everyone.
My boss was beautiful to me. She told me that I have a passion and heart that makes me special and how lucky each person was to find me. I told her I felt that the other way round. She said that’s why she will have me back anytime I am ready and I want to. 2 years or 10 years. There is a place here especially for me.
I felt so choked up as I drove home. Back there tomorrow.
But I have felt so worthless over the past couple of months. Stupid, weak, naive, crazy, clueless and like a reject. One of the last things someone said to me was if you hadn’t spoken to me I would not have bothered with you again.
That cut me so much as they walked off feeling free and ready for a renewed beginning in their nice tidy ending.
The biggest part of me wanted that so much for them. I made it so in how I told it. I wish for their happy because I love them and that’s what love is.

My girl once said to me when I was sad about things I had heard… you want friends that are loyal and true and would stand up for you in the same way you would for them.
She is right. I do.

And in my fight to remember what those friends look like I turned to an old friend. And they of course helped me yesterday without realising.
He is a friend I made about 5 years ago now.
The strangest of friends for me. If I am the girl that shows too much emotion then he is the man who shows absolutely none.
If I am the girl who loves to chat then he is the man who says very little.
Dreamy vs logical, silly vs dry, little vs big, crazy vs sensible, smiley vs expressionless.
And yet we have always got on so well. We both made each other laugh. Well I laughed at him and he slightly moved his mouth to smile. But I know he thinks I’m funny.
In all our complete and utter opposites and most unlikely friendship we just really got on.
And I care about him and I know he cares about me too.
When he left work I was the only person he kept in touch with. I never worked with him. We just became friends.
When he first left we spoke all the time. Then over time less and now on random occasions. Just to check we are both still alive and ok. I don’t do social media. No interest. If I keep in touch with you it is because you mean something to me. Otherwise you vanish into the midst of time.
When I message he always responds straight away.
He told me once that he doesn’t have lots of friends. In fact just a couple that he has known a long time. Not because he isn’t a nice person. He really is.
He’s just very private and doesn’t need lots of people.
He has never ever been horrible to me. He has never played games with me. And he is always straight down the line. Any time I have asked for help he has always wanted to. He always asks what is happening with me. and when I tell him he laughs.
When I do the same he always responds with, yeah I’m ok just ticking along. Although yesterday he did mention that he had been a pretty stressed due to things in life.
I know he can worry, not that he would ever show it.

But in the main he is the most logical, and measured and careful person I know.
Our lives have changed but when we speak it’s like no time has passed. We still laugh at each other like it’s the other day.
And he was my go to yesterday. Just to say hi after a bike nearly hit me and he popped into my head. Even when I haven’t spoken to him for ages I never doubt that we are still friends. I never doubt it because it feels solid.
He would never bother replying ever if he wasn’t bothered. I’ve heard from a few people who tried to contact him that he ignored. But somehow I made the cut.
Lots of people said that they knew no more about him when he left than they did when he arrived. But there was all sorts hidden underneath his cool and reserved exterior. He didn’t perform. He observed and listened and took it all in. I liked his strange and funny and awkward ways and I think he has always been amused by my opposite.
There is something safe for me in his no frills, no poetic charm and very serious but down to earth sinpleness. He is also very dryly funny. He knows how to pull off deadpan without trying.

That genuine no frills edge was gratefully received yesterday. Still the same friend he has always been. And even though he isn’t part of my day to day, I know he is out there in the world and if I shout he answers. I feel safe in that kind of friendship.

The man of few words always said such a lot to me and I’m glad he is my friend. I told him that, but he knew it already.

Thanks BH 😊x

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