Trying to keep believing

Tonight is the worst so far. I am trying hard to keep believing. With everything I am.
When my girl is there it feels easier. When she is not it is tough.
Tonight was a constant barrage of pulling me to pieces.
This is what I left but this time I am in it with nowhere to go.
I don’t know how much I can take before I snap.
The pressure feels enormous and it’s hard to breathe. There is no escape from it.

Inside I keep reminding myself that I am a good person. A nice person. A person of worth. It is difficult when I I keep being told the opposite.
I hide in the garden in the dark on the swing and listen to tunes I like.
It feels like the objective is to make me cry and then tell me I’m loved.
It’s not love.
Who would want to make someone they love cry? It feels like hurting me makes him feel better, stronger.

Im starting to feel like I’m the one who is going under. Trying desperately to cling on to my faith in things working out financially so that I can find a place where I can find a tiny piece of happiness again.
I don’t need much. I’m not greedy. I don’t need to be anything special. I just need to feel like I’m allowed to be happy. That’s all. Just a tiny piece of happy for me.
Nothing about this situation is easy. I ask myself a million times how this has happened.
Whether I deserve this?
Whether I did something so bad that I am being paid back for my wrong doing.
I have always been a pretty strong person but I find myself struggling more than I ever have. Tomorrow I will escape for the day with my friends. I could be anywhere and feel happy in that.
I am trying to fix this mess for my girl, for him and for me. But I don’t know if I have what is required. Tomorrow is a new day. Try again.

I wish so much for something to happen that will change things. I would change this if I could but I just don’t have the means to without hurting my girl too. I have to hang tough and try and pull us through this.

So I keep reminding myself  that I am a good person. A person of worth.

And wish with all my heart to find my way to the other side. Please wish for me too.

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