Walking Very Slowly

Life can be difficult sometimes.. sadness can make us disconnect from those we care about most.. Time and Space is something so difficult to capture.
I have needed that so much. To try and cope and manage my situation without feeling overwhelmed.
The practicalities are their own difficulties but with a heart swirling with so much emotion on top. I’m not sure I ever felt so alone in so much emotion. But alone I have needed to be. This can’t be shared in all its complexities. It can’t be fixed. It can’t be extracted and removed and replaced with something more conducive.
They are my emotions. Real and Pure and Raw and Powerful and they need to settle. To find their place somewhere where they can exist peacefully instead of crushing me from the inside out.
If we could turn the clocks back… erase our mistakes, our decisions and actions.. would we in fact be erasing the best moments of life. Sometimes when we take those risks, do those things that our hearts tell us to, we are in fact creating a moment in life that is just as it should be.
I read from someone else that to take a risk is to not live with the regret of what if and there is peace in that. Struggling to get to that peace right now but maybe eventually. I took a risk and in that moment it created both pleasure and pain.
Why did I take the risk.
Because I followed MY heart. The same heart that hurts so much in the pain that those decisions have afforded. and yet I heard from a friend last night.
Someone I think so much of and is part of that period I have tried so hard to squash down.
She took me to a time, a moment that for me was so very special for me. That I have tried to turn into something so much less in my mind.
Perhaps it eases my pain to imagine that those moments were completely meaningless and can be thrown away. Perhaps they were to them. I can never know what lies in others hearts or minds.
What I do know, is those special moments that are created when my heart is in them, mean the world to me.
Sometimes it takes me time to find my way back to the people that matter to me and me to them.
I am walking very slowly.
My heart is not ready or prepared for any more pain right now. It is enough for me to deal with what I have.
I often think people must think I am crazy for loving so very much.
I could spend my whole life trying to work that out and yet I don’t think I will ever have the answer to that question. I just do.

My song in my post yesterday was for those that are here with me right now holding my hand but it is also for those that aren’t. You know who you are. And if you don’t it is because you have forgotten or don’t believe anymore. But I haven’t. I’m still there even when I’m not.
Because I remember everything.

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