Breaking Down

This morning I broke down. I heard yesterday that after over 2 months of back and forth, running around getting paperwork together. Sending stuff, getting stuff back, ringing everyday so that mine might be put to the top of the pile, hearing it was with the mortgage company, with the surveyors back with the mortgage company and again the financial advisors, it is finally with the lender.
They have everything that is required to restore our security or not. And we should know in the next few days.
I have been holding my breath for weeks. Just trying to be practical, logical, survive.
hanging on the edge knowing that I have nothing left. This place being my only goal and fighting for it.
The feeling of someone holding that in their hands like I am just another Schmoe felt like a breath I needed to take and as I did everything I have been holding poured out of me.
Uncontrollably. Sobbing like a little baby curled in a ball with my arms wrapped around myself to comfort myself in all my distress.
I knew I was hurting but I did not realise how much this had eaten away at me inside until I took that breath.
Exhausted from trying to be the strength, in hiding it from all those around me in all my worries, and fears, and sadness and hurt, and tiredness and lack of control over something so important.
And I couldn’t stop. Like the heavy rain of yesterday that kept on coming with no let up. A release of emotion that I have tried to manage through writing but was too big to even make a dent in. It was sticking plasters over all those wounds so that I could keep battling on till I got to a place where I could regain that security. Forget happy. Basic safe is the name of this game. I don’t even care about happy anymore.
I think I would still be crying now had my girl not walked in quietly and without saying a word, she cuddled up to me and took my hand and held it so very gently.
To be seen so completely and utterly broken by your own baby. She has never seen me like that. Can you imagine what that feels like. I am supposed to be the strength, the comforter, the person who makes her feel safe. And yet for a moment she took that role. The guilt I will feel in that will come I have no doubt.
But in that moment I just couldn’t control it. It was like my body took over.
The girl had become the woman. To feel her unwavering and pure love for me just as the person I am. Her mum. In all my faults and weakness and imperfectness and trying.
If you ever want to know what absolute and complete love feels like. That.. in its most quiet and private moment.
If my friend had been the hand when I needed one, then my girl is the sun.
I just need to keep hanging tough for a little longer and try and get us to that safety.


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