Tired

Empty.. A gaping hole which was once filled with a beautiful sparkling rainbow that would blind you in its brightness.
but just like those kids with those sweets, those colours were grabbed like freebies whether they wanted them or not only to throw them away or squash them underfoot.

What happens when you continuously battle and struggle and you stop trying for a moment and breathe
You feel tired.
I’m Soooo fucking tired of trying.
Tired of struggling, Tired of battling. Tired of pretending. Tired of making others feel better. Tired of feeling all the pain. Tired of trying to be positive. Tired of being good. Tired of keeping going.
I just feel tired.
I would rather be invisible and vanish into the air that surrounds me.

Im so tired of watching everyone showing me how much better they are at living this life. Reminding me of all my shortcomings that make me unable to do what they do. How amazing they all are.
What qualities they must possess to allow them to push through life’s challenges and win.
Those winners and losers. What do all those winners have in common. What is it that I am missing that means as hard as I fight I never win.
How are they all so strong while I feel so weak.

I’m sure they would happily tell me if I asked. Where I am going so wrong and they are getting it so very right.

I need you to climb over others to get your voice heard.
A comment I once heard from someone I like a lot, and was said to motivate me because they wanted to see and hear more from me.
Only I don’t know how to do that. I was horrified at the prospect of having to do that.. just to have my voice heard!
I don’t want to climb over others.
Is there another way? Is there?

Tomorrow is another day when I’m sure I will try again and I am back on that treadmill but today I just can’t be fucking arsed.
Is it ok that I have had enough.
Looking like a fool when I’m not a fucking fool.
Unless the definition of fool is         I Fucking Care.

The thing that keeps me going..
My girl
Without her I would have totally thrown in the towel and stayed down.
(And maybe today a little Mumford.)
Maybe when I get to the other side of this thing my fighting spirit will return in full force. And if and when it does, stand well clear. Or you may find yourself on the end of a knock out punch.

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