I saw the limitations of my heart in the week.
A name flashed on my phone and my heart dropped as I saw it. It lay looking at me for the rest of the afternoon.
A name that has always made my heart leap when it appeared but I have had to try and push down further and further so it did not hurt me even more in all my sorrow.
In that moment I felt it rise back up and I didn’t know what to do with it.
Ignore it, pretend? Instead I just looked at it not knowing what to do.
I could not do either. To ignore would make me like another. I would never be that. To be so hurtful and rejecting to someone I love. I could never be that. To leave someone I love feeling like I have no care for them would be the opposite of love. It might push it back down for me but would always sit there like an ache that would eventually be unbearable. It would eventually crush me in leaving them with the unknown.
But to pretend to feel less … would be like torturing myself for a lifetime.
The thing about love is that when you really do love someone you want their happiness more than anything else. To feel like they are safe and happy and loved. That is something that can be held on to in a way that has beauty and value attached to it. That’s what I would like to hold.
So I responded. In a way that ended without ending. In a way that had hope of a possibility of my heart one day being strong enough to be more. The more that is able to bear their happiness. Be witness to it. Share in it and be part of it.
But I am not in that place. I’m not sure I ever will be. They mean too much to me and there lies my hearts limitation. It is not strong enough to bear both the love I feel and the pain that comes with that.
Turns out my heart is not quite as strong as I once thought. I can love them quietly alone in my own thoughts and feelings but I just don’t have the strength anymore to hold the pain.
Time ticks on, lives move forward and I desperately hope that happier times lie ahead. A time when I feel safe again, when I feel free to be me and life feels peaceful.
I think I deserve that.
But I have no wish to ever love anyone else in that way again. I never could. I know myself and I never expected to ever feel like that.
My heart is a strange thing. People often laugh when I say “oh I love them” .. “is there anyone you don’t love?” they say. I love most people but Yes, for sure there are people who have hurt me that I have no ill feeling for but I will never love.
But never have I loved in this way. Ever!!! I had no control in it.
I felt it in a way that I have never known. A way that I try to knock down in my head so that I feel less stupid. But my feelings never lie. For right or for wrong as stupid as I may look to others I can never tell my heart what to do.
Whatever that magical element was that I felt, I felt it with my whole heart.
It wasn’t about how they looked or their personality or what they did.
It was just them. In all their good and bad. Similarities and differences. The very essence of who they are. Just being them in whatever form that comes. They didn’t have to do or be anything.
And that will never fade for me. It sparkles so very brightly and will be thought of whenever I see clouds pass overhead.
To be able to love is a wonderful thing.
They may never know or understand what that looked like for me but then neither do I.
It just is.
Thankyou for giving me that feeling cloud rider. I will treasure it always ❤️