The Juggling Clown

For all my intense sadness that I am struggling with and is hidden deeply within, this weekend has provided some comfort in the distinct improvement in the wellbeing of others.
I’m feeling very close to my girl. She is nobody’s fool. She knows exactly what is happening.
But she still feels better. More relaxed and happy.
I see that weight has lifted from her shoulders in trying to help her dad but not being able to, and having that removed is allowing her to be able to see her own dreams. As a mum I know her dreams far outweigh my own and her happiness is fundamental to mine.
Everything I am doing is for her and I am finding my strength in that.
Even in my moment of break down it did not phase her. She knew I was trying and it was just a moment of releasing that.
She took me to the movies yesterday. She got paid and said I needed a treat. She told me she always wants me to be happy, beyond what this is. She understands that things will change again at some point but it’s ok. But I know she feels grateful for right now and she told me I am a beautiful person. What a lovely thing to hear from the mouth of your baby. I was so grateful for that.
Something to help me keep trying!

The money … oh the money .. never have I talked about something I hate talking about, soooo much. We are still up the Swanny without a paddle. But of course I am fighting on. If I have to pick up every penny in the street, I will, to get us to that safety. Not giving up!!!
A new week. Let’s hope they have enough now to just say yes and let me breathe again.
But beyond that massive worry which I’m coping with much better, holding that pressure and juggling like the greatest juggling clown that ever lived, I am feeling a sense of hope in my efforts not being wasted.
That for all it is hurting me, making me feel soooo isolated and alone, and seeing my own hopes and dreams disappearing in the same way that I have wished I could, I actually also feel like more.

For all I fall I am relentlessly getting back up again. And not just getting back up but pushing even harder to get to where I need to. Building more and more strength as I go and not willing to be beaten.
Seeing my girl more relaxed and happy in a tidy and cosy home she remembered once upon a time.
And seeing P building some strength and resilience to be able to handle life a little better and not turning to anger every time he feels frustrated.
There is clarity in what this is. Not a happy recoupling but a friend that had his back when he broke even when it has broken me.
My job here is to repair the mess, provide the care and help someone I care about to find their way back to their feet so that they are able to move forward again in a way that they can be happy. Like being a full time counsellor where all the boundaries have been broken. Well nearly… I am maintaining some boundaries even in this weird set up.

If you had told me a year ago that this is how my life would look I would have laughed.
What a fucking mess. What is it with me?
As my girl sits and watches towie I find myself wondering why I can’t have that Matbs life. Maybe that life is only for the beautiful people.
Although they seem to have their own dramas whilst sipping cocktails.
And I’m happier dealing with mine under the radar by myself.

I have distanced myself from most people in every direction. I have felt embarrassed in what this looks like. I must look like some kind of crazy.
And yet my eyes are seeing something very different.
A sense of Something better than when I arrived.
It’s amazing what some care can achieve.
So tonight I feel proud in just that.
Perfect I will never be, doing it by the book will never be my way but whenever I am able to move forward and try and find those dreams I once had, I will know I tried my hardest to deserve them and perhaps my dreams will feel all the more sweeter in knowing that. Even when I’m all alone again, I know now that I can be, even at its very worst. Who knows what I might be capable of at its best.
I have heard a lot about what strong women look like. I look nothing like that.
But just for now, in this quiet and lonely moment tonight I feel a tiny bit of success in just being me.

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