The Circus

I am feeling like I am a one woman circus. Flying through the air on the trapeze trying to catch others before they fall. The clown who covers the sadness with a smile. A performing monkey who can turn her hand to everything and anything and continuing to Walk that high wire playing the same tune on my blog that won’t stop sticking.
But if I don’t put it somewhere I will get stuck  and Fall. I have to keep moving else I’ll start to wobble.
My tears have run out. All cried out as moyet would say.
I have found a strength within myself beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Whatever that tough love was it certainly is enabling me to tackle every hurdle in front of me that just keep on coming and coming. And I’m jumping them like a circus pony.
When I think I have uncovered everything I realise there is more. My disbelief in someone who was the logical one have sent me reeling. And yet I’m still balancing. Digging to the very depths of who I am.
Today was another revelation that finds me having to backtrack and push forward again to resolve. It’s never ending. Please tell me if there is anything else, I have asked, I just need to know so that I can get us to the other side. I have distanced myself from almost everyone right now in order to hide this nightmare mess as well as not having to explain the full extent of what has been done without my knowledge. Not wanting to talk about it but needing to place it somewhere. The dreamer has become the logic. The dreamer girl lies dormant within but she has not completely vanished. She will reappear magically at some point. I believe it.
From hiding it from the many only to now find myself having to write an in depth explanation of the last 2 years of life in every sad detail, to a complete stranger in a lenders coat.
The person who decides the fate of a lifetime of hard graft.
The complications and complexities of what this is are leaving me stunned and shocked.
And there is no one to call on to help fix this. I am the ring master to boot.
I have been told sorry a million times and I’m holding them.
I am very forgiving, sooo forgiving and when this is over I will, it’s how I’m made. But right now I can only hold them at arms length and remember to care. What we once had was lost forever a long time ago but I still have love and care for a person who shared a really happy part of my life.
My mind right now is only focussed on resolving. Nothing more, nothing less. All that lies in between is my own intense sadness and I don’t have time or strength to deal with that.
How someone else’s choices and decisions can have so much impact on another.
It makes my choices suddenly look like child’s play.
Are you ok? A question that is repeated and repeated.. and yes is my answer. No wonder he was worried whether I would be ok in what lay ahead. It has to be ok.
I need some semblance of normality and calm in order to function in complete and utter crazy.
J offered me a free session. I haven’t seen her now since this happened but she knows the bare bones of what it is.
When I replied to thank her for her kindness (which will be remembered and frankly blew all those conversations about boundaries out of the water. What a beautiful person) I also explained that to even try to start unpicking this would obliterate the house of cards I am balancing as I keep walking the high wire. The only way to get to the other side without falling is to keep moving and not look down or back.
Slowly and with every bit of courage I can muster and look like it is effortless so that others don’t fall around me.
Holding another on that wire who is balancing, only just, but so close to the edge. One wrong move will send him falling.
I will not let him fall.
An idiot I may sound but trauma and sadness can do things to a person that you would never see coming. I did not see this coming.
On the plus side I finally feel less responsible now for what this situation looks like. I didn’t make those choices but I do feel responsible for people I care about. And all I can do is keep fighting and trying. I will not give up.
I smiled as I stood on the tube tonight. I look like a normal girl going along in life. Thinking about a presentation I have to deliver tomorrow which once would have left me shaking in my red shoes but I will fearlessly breeze in and do without a second thought.
How expert I have become at high wire walking and how many other things I am able to hold as I do it.
Nerves of steel and a belief in my ability to get us to that safety. Somehow I will find a way even if I have to walk all the way back and find another route.
We are just human but when life demands it, we have hidden strength that sees us through.

And it makes me even more determined to ensure my girl lives her dreams.
As I write this I suddenly feel more determined to find mine when I find a safe place to land.
I am an untamed  lion disguised as a mouse and this circus performer just found in herself a tiny bit of sparkle.

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