Sometimes you just need a day.. a day when you wake up and you think, let’s just take every single moment and make it wonderful. Make it count. A fuck it day. When you can feel really happy and are laughing and feel part of something more.
I had that day today.
I woke up with it. Day 2 of my training course and delivering a session I had absolutely no time to prepare for. What the hell am I gonna deliver I thought as I went to bed last night, tired from writing the two year history of an unplanned life, that was rebuilt with so much effort. Only to be obliterated by yet another wrecking ball.
In charge of my choices I may be, but sometimes destiny puts you where it wants you for whatever reasons they are and completely fucks you up.
But I know I’m a glass half full girl at heart, because despite all my sharing of sadness and pain and frankly feeling totally shit, I always have a feeling that lurks beneath that tells me I’m destined for more.
My kind of more. The people who breeze through life are happy Im sure, and are meant for breezing, and as lovely as that is and as much as I would like to just breeze for a while I don’t think I’m meant to be one of those.
It’s just too .. well just too average.
So today I got up early and trawled my laptop for the training session I delivered at college.
Completely no relevance to my other job but fuck it. And I have more experience to draw on now. And anyways there was no time. It was that or go sick and I ain’t no quitter.
If I’m a circus ring leader I better look like one I thought, as I put on the brightest pillar box red dress I bought over a year ago and have never worn. No sparkles but if you’re gonna have a moment in not being able to hide, then fuck it, you might as well be seen.
As I travelled to work I was noticed in my red dress. It made me smile inside. It made me smile for the girl who is tucked away and hidden right now but feels worth seeing when she feels ready to be seen again.
When I arrived I received lots of compliments on how nice I looked. One of the other delegates said to me “ I hope you don’t mind me saying this to you”… oh blimey I thought, what’s coming here “but you have an amazing figure”
Wow I didn’t mind at all. What a lovely little boost to my struggling confidence that has been knocked so much and left me feeling very insecure in so many different ways.
Thankyou I said.. I’ll take that 😊 I found myself loving my red dress.
The day was beautiful and fun and I laughed in all my genuineness for the duration. The people on my course do the most amazing jobs that make such a difference to other people’s lives. I felt so inspired by them but also by their care and kindness.
I smiled so much at the exuberance of one of the girls who conducted a training session in something very simple but created something wonderful. What a hidden star.
I listened to training sessions on loss and grief and another on homelessness and how easy it is to find yourself in that position. Life can deal one blow and a life once known can be lost. Relate .. I found myself feeling less alone. And then another who talked about the amazing work at a recovery centre where people who have life changing injuries, find a new way to live life, but in a way that had always made them happy and feel like something. Fought for with real courage and giving them a pride in all that they are still able to achieve despite those surface limitations.
Inspired inspired inspired!!!!
When I got to mine I was surprisingly relaxed. I hadn’t had a chance to look at it, I couldn’t find my notes, and I could not remember what was coming. But I stood there proudly in my red dress and winged it all the way. Remembering moments of a wonderful time in my life as I went. Particular individuals came into my mind as I waffled on confidently and easily and not worrying when I lost my way.
Fuck it.. if that’s the worst in getting lost, I’ll take it.
And after, I received feedback about both what I delivered and me as a person. In how I came across as the trainer but also over the 2 days. confident, warm, bubbly, caring, creative and calm. I held those words like a special present. It felt lovely to show myself as I am minus all the worries and difficulties that have left me feeling completely broken.
I don’t want to be broken.
And as for my training.. they totally got it. The relevance and imagery and feelings that translated from what I was presenting to what sat behind it. They got it more than some of those who had seen it before.
For people to just get it!! That made me really happy. And to feel like I was successful even when I was unprepared and not at my best felt pretty marvellous. And another reminder of what I might achieve at my best if I keep trying.
When I left the course feeling proud of myself I found Aqua man and Batman waiting for my return with little chuckles.
I made the school girl error of leaving my pc unlocked while I was away. I know better. Working with those naughty kids I was lucky to just get away with an email being sent by me on my behalf by aquaman to the whole of my team telling them how I love them all sooo very much ❤️ piss takers. They know me well. Fuck it, it’s who I am.
I always feel like I’m in playground fun with them and there is huge care that surrounds me in that little band of brothers.
I feel so lucky in that. Not letting me rest in my mini success. We are getting you straight out there. I want you delivering a segment of the next training course next week. I’ll leave it with you to sort that.
No nonsense, straight talking, you can do it.
There are things I am struggling so much to fix and feeling like I have very little control in, other than to keep trying, and burying real sadness so deeply that I can’t feel it right now, but the rest, fuck it, I’m just gonna throw myself in. There are those few trusted people around me that believe in me. And they help me so much to keep believing in myself. Give me the chances and I’ll show you what I can do.
I can feel myself rising, very slowly but it feels good.
As I drove my girl to dancing she showed her fighting spirit in persevering in trying to pass her driving test. Knocked, knocked and knocked for a third time. Hiding her disappointment but I can see it. But tonight finding her determination to just keep going till she gets there. Fuck it, I’ll pass. In the end.
How much new strength I saw in her from those failures. And how very proud I felt it that. For all it hurts so very much when you fall, what a very special feeling there is in finding brand new colours that you don’t know you have and are hidden until something makes them appear.
I love a fuck it day. More of those please! For me, for everyone I love and for all those beyond.
I think I have forgotten how to dream but fuck it, if only for tonight, I was reminded of someone who taught me that if I’m gonna dream, then I need to Dream Bigger.