Proof of worth

Today was a day of learning ..on the job.
I love my Friday clients. They are all so different in every way. I often feel like I have the perfect client list of beautiful people. I think in all our differences and similarities we have most of those boxes covered.
And I care about them all so much.

Today was just a normal day of sessions but there were lots of crossovers, and value and worth were strongly in the mix today,.
Been thinking about that myself. I took away a lot of food for thought.
Have always felt my clients bring more to my world than some of those that are part of the machine and think they know better .. There is wisdom in not having the answers.

Three months ago when this all started I was in a pretty good place on my holidays. Feeling good and having fun but worrying about P. I have known over the last few months that he has been struggling. Trying to help in our walks. Finding him a counsellor after finding out his previous one never existed. Honestly! The  real one didn’t last long either. 3 sessions. Not my thing I was told.. My girl was worrying more and more. I was wanting the finality of getting things sorted. To get off the rollercoaster and get that final closure.
But in trying to get that I stepped on a minefield and found myself falling down a big black hole and here I am.
Sometimes I read previous posts to see how far I have come in that time. To remind myself how I was feeling. Have I even moved? Three months ago I can hear the denial in those initial posts. My instinct to gloss over and make it better in order to not have to deal with the real and devastating reality. Still holding on to my new found confidence and ever enduring dreamy and positive outlook. The before and after. Still in my Parisian apartment which is feeling a whole world away now before falling head first into the mess that awaited me. That cold water took my breathe away in a second, leaving me in shock and fighting to find my way to the surface. When I look back now I find it difficult to know how I even made it through that first part.
Never did I feel so lost in such darkness. And believe me I have felt that over the last two years but not on this scale. So completely numb and devoid of emotion other than just crying. Survival and coping strategies were failing me. It was so fast and I was so unprepared that performing was my only option in carrying on. Even taking one day at a time seemed too much. Moment to moment just trying to breathe. I hope I never find myself in such a place again, ever!!! but survive it I did and sometimes that is as much as you can ask for.
The effects of that have been immense. I never felt so worthless. Completely worthless.
Three months on where am I now? Still hidden. Drawing on everything of experience that makes me stronger and able to cope with things on my own.
Tough decisions that made me so incredibly sad but were so necessary to take care of myself in it all.
In a loud and crazy world I had to find the sanctuary of some quiet.
Removing things and people that impacted on my ability to see my own worth.
Being alone allowed me to see only what I could see, to feel only what I felt with out adding additional feelings of not being good enough unimportant and easily disposable.
I remembered from before how quickly people drop you when you don’t deliver what they want and I was not going to put myself in that situation again.

My already reduced circle of friends from the previous round was reduced even more. The only people allowed to sit on the periphery were people I absolutely trusted beyond any tiny doubt, that I knew would not hurt me and could handle me just being sad. Not having to be anything.
I have been completely brutal in that. Even my own mum has sat on the outside of that. She would have worried too much and I couldn’t handle the worry of her on top. I will tell her where I’m at when I get us to that financial safety. I’m getting closer I think.
Even more documents required that I ran round for before seeing my clients. Asking for something in my bank only to be told by the clerk that it was a lot of work and they wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m getting pretty good at dealing with this stuff now. Polite I always am but taking no for an answer isn’t an option. Desperation pushes you harder. So I reminded her that in twenty years of having my account I hadn’t asked for any assistance other than paying money in so I would really appreciate her help in proof of that.
Turns out that it actually only took 15 mins. Didn’t seem a substantial effort in helping. I could feel my irritation as I left. Hidden of course but come on!
So just a couple of people sitting on that line around me. Leaving me knowing they are there if I need my hand held for a second but allowing me to find my way on my own.
Disconnecting from everything and everyone but with politeness in responses for those that I love.
What a strange thing to feel completely alone in things so big but also functioning so as to keep things going.
Talking to myself constantly, to pick myself up, comfort myself, tell myself to keep going and reminding myself of the value I still have.
Every time I have posted on my blog I have been heard by a stranger or those couple on the periphery and that has helped so much in not feeling completely alone.
Someone in this big wide world knows I am existing and trying and I’m not completely Invisible.
So as I roll into another weekend I feel the hope of next week perhaps holding that stage 1 financial resolution. Im a broken record I know. Imagine hearing it in your head for 3 months! A couple of other documents to send Monday. This process has felt almost as invasive as my training. At this point I believe the only thing left to prove is my most favourite sexual position. And I won’t lie, I will very happily provide it if it helps me to finally get to the other side.

Aaahhh I made a little joke 😊 That feels like a good sign and proof that I am making some progress.
Fingers crossed for a yes next week.

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