I am writing to keep going.. I can feel that Lion roaring in me and not in a good way. I can feel anger building in me and I’m trying to suppress it.
And it is hard, uncomfortable and not a feeling that I often have to deal with in life.
I’m not an angry person by nature. I tend to feel the emotion that sits beneath but I suppose I’m squashing those down so far that this is the one climbing over them to the surface. And anger I don’t like. It’s not helpful and I have nowhere to put it anyways.
But I still feel angry. Angry at how I have been trapped in this.
Fucking angry. Angry inside at how someone managed to get exactly what they wanted the whole way through by pulling on the very string that I couldn’t ignore. The string that attaches itself to my girl.
To express it beyond this would bring my house of cards crashing down and leave me struggling to get to the other side.
Is it because I am getting closer to resolving the immediate money issue that the emotions I am burying are finding their way to the surface?
Only they can’t yet.
I’m not on the other side And timing wise I have Uni visits and an 18th birthday over the next two weeks. Hanging tough and being what I need to be have never felt so important. The only person I will hurt by losing it right now, is my girl.
How differently I had imagined us celebrating this special moment in her life. Having been with me in all those previous trials and seeing me making a new life and being happy and talking of all the possibilities of better things lying ahead. She was happy in that too. And happy seeing me happy.
Having those few old and new people around me that I loved and cared about and made me feel like life could be more.
Only for it to come crashing down. I don’t want anyone to see the shadow of that girl.
Trying to replace my failure in trying to build on all my efforts, by reminding myself of all my efforts and strength in trying to pull us all to a safe place.
I can’t pretend with my girl though. She sees my sadness but more than that and even sadder for me, she can see how it has crushed me under the weight. All those hopes that I had for beautiful times ahead. Building my practice, exciting birthday plans that couldn’t be, and an easier and more fun Christmas that now looks like yet another trial that I’ll have to see myself through.
That safe and cosy space that I had found for us and made into something wonderful and had been a little base for fun and providing confidence in searching for new adventures and magic. All of which have now
All gone and now replaced by prison walls that have trapped me in this never ending cycle of pain that feels impossible to exit. Leaving me feeling like it is stripping away everything that was good about me. All the things that I liked about myself and made me happy and that I loved sharing with those I cared about and I thought cared about me. Becoming the shadow of a former self that can’t see any joy ahead other than what I try and create for others so that they aren’t caught in sadness.
My happiness is lost behind theirs and I can tell they value theirs more. I provide it for them with my happiness just being collateral damage.
And I’m so angry in that.
Yet where do I put it? I am screaming inside at how I have been dealt such a shit hand after trying so very hard and being decent and kind.
And While I am pulling my hair out in keeping up with all the demands and worries they seem to get happier.
It’s what I hope for. I don’t want them to fall. And me being here is helping. I see it.
But how fucking topsy turvy this is all suddenly looking and I’m feeling so angry.
But maybe it needs to build so that I can work out what to do next.
This element is just about securing the home that provides the security for future. The difference between having something and nothing. That has always been very clear.
Securing both our shares of what that is.
A life’s work caught in bricks and mortar that is the difference in having a possible secure future at some point. I was wishing for a home of my own, built on my own blood sweat and tears. I would like that so much. I don’t know if it will be possible.
I want that for him too. but it’s so fucking hard to keep caring when I feel so fucking angry with him for putting us in this position.
And leaving me to sort the mess. To hold all the shit that has come from a complete lack of care or thought in anything beyond himself.
Perhaps if I had thought that way we wouldn’t be in this mess now. But it’s not my style.
My anger feels like it is subsiding just for a moment. As I write I find myself remembering his sad trials and how they have impacted. I’m not a monster. I understand and I care. And I want to help. I’m the only person he really trusts. But I’m not perfect and I feel that anger because I have been hurt yet again, and manipulated and and left with no choices because of his actions. I would have helped anyways, always but he took those choices away from me. Left me with no alternative than to be here.
So I will try and hold that anger, talk about it, punch a few pillows so that I can keep going in a way that is helpful.
I know I deserve better than what this looks like. I’m just a normal girl but I try really hard to deserve better and getting angry will not help me or him or the situation. I need to channel it into something that will.
Get me to the other side so I can start to build something more for me and my girl. I don’t know what that will be yet, and I’m not sure how I will do it now, but I have to believe that I can. Perhaps I feel scared because I had people to help me last time and now I have pushed them away so they can’t see me or what this is.
But I did it before, and I have to believe that I can do it again.
Can I do it again?