The rise of the gladiator
Be careful what you wish for.
Something switched in me this morning. Confirmation that they have all the paperwork they now require. Finally under consideration. I can do no more. They have my whole life. If that’s not enough then I’m all out of tricks other than those that pay cash. I have no control in this now and I’m at the mercy of the gods. Otherwise know as the bored loan officer who really wanted to be a rockstar. Let my file be the one where you take the risk you’ve always wanted to take, but have been too scared of of messing with your very lucrative pension.
A little invisible helping hand from the universe would be appreciated at this point.
Slim shady had been my best mate in anger. Will the real red coat please stand up.
I have pushed myself in every possible way to get to this point and falling so many times in it. I am battered and bruised and wondering where the hell I found all this strength from.
And yet yesterday I was spoken to as though I was weak and feeble. I was told by the person I am helping that perhaps I need a counsellor. Can’t afford it but you’re
right, I do. A counsellor to unload all this shit to.. for sure …poor J will feel it when I get to the other side. I think she is bracing herself. but to help me? … watch it mate..
I have most definitely needed help. Help when I found myself lumbered with this mess. unfortunately that help has been nowhere to be seen by the same said person who created it. I’ve had to get on with it by myself and my tiredness, sadness and lack of enthusiasm in anything beyond sorting this out is the result of that.
I was ticking along pretty ok thanks very much. This belongs to you. I know it but I hold it. Not the right time to have my voice heard yet. Biding my time for when I have rebuilt up what has been crushed.
Weak and feeble? I certainly am not. I’m still standing and continuing to function in all the many roles I have had to play. Falling yes.. getting back up.. fuck yes.
Fucking exhausted is what I am. But don’t misconstrue my quiet and broken appearance. There is a lot hidden beneath that. I’m just not ready to show it yet.
But in reaching a point where I have done everything I can possibly do to sort this mess, I find myself feeling a surge of something new.
That anger that I have been suppressing is morphing into something more. Unleashing a different power to reclaim what is mine.
I didn’t have the strength to be that while I was dealing with all the shit I was faced with. I had to squash it and let another part of myself take over. Numb and emotionless. Covering the emotion that seeped out with bandages and plasters in order to just keep quietly fighting on. My blog has provided one giant plaster. It has taken the full force of how I am feeling and given me a place to express quietly so that I could continue in some sanity. Sometimes to focus on something, requires other things to just be held for a moment. Quietly getting on with it without being drawn in to what I wasn’t ready for. Call it protection.
But fight I have. All the way, all by myself. No daddy to ring or someone else that would pick up the pierces of someone else’s fuck ups. Scrapping away in secret like an amateur cage fighter. Not knowing what I was doing or whether I could survive it or pull us through but putting myself right in it and taking the punches. Whilst watching my whole life that I had built collapsing and disappearing into nowhere. Seeing everything I had struggled so hard for being crushed without any care or understanding of what that might mean to me. Every part of myself that I had felt proud of, disappearing into who knows where. Having to allow and accept it so that I could be what I needed to be.
Weak and feeble?!… Do me a favour.. do not underestimate me. I have been taking it all in, every single moment and pushing it to a place where it couldn’t interfere with what I was trying to do.
But now it is surfacing and I can see it very clearly.
And I feel a fire growing in me, rising like a gladiator who knows they are a force to be reckoned with.
Caring, loving, kind and compassionate… I am all of those by the bucket load. I don’t ever want to change in that.
It’s who I am. No classroom lessons required in that. It’s me. But don’t take advantage of it. Don’t misinterpret that for weakness or being stupid. It’s the strength that has seen me this far. The same strength that allowed me to rebuild that life before, amongst all those other challenges.
Beneath all of my gentleness that I would rather be every day of the week, is a gladiator who knows how to fight when she needs to and I won’t just lie down and take it.
I am nearing the other side of this current battle and feeling my gladiator rising.
I may still be hidden right now but rise I will
Red Coat style.