There are very few times in life that you can feel truly proud of who you are. That you gave every single part of yourself and took yourself way beyond the limits of what you ever felt you could give.
That you can feel as though you are more than you thought you were or that you ever thought possible.
I feel that today..not in a self glorifying way filled with arrogance.
But in a moment of complete brokenness. The weight of what I have been carrying has finally been lifted as I have received that long awaited approval. The offer coming to me today after 3 months(63 days).
I sit alone in complete exhaustion and see everything I put myself through, cascading through my mind while all those wounds continue to bleed out. The pain of it all being released so that I can eventually begin the process of trying to heal.
But I have made it to the other side. I have got us all to that safe place. If you have ever found yourself in such a position you will understand how that feels. It’s like Maslow said .. it’s the foundation. Without it you cannot get to anything beyond.
So I will allow myself to feel this. Just for a moment. Beyond a moment. A safe place where I can stop and breathe.
A tiny and hidden moment before I have to armour back up for those battles that still lie ahead. Formulating a plan of what next? Working out how to rebuild my life that was obliterated 3 months ago. Eventually reconnecting to some of those that I have removed in order to function.
Trying to work my way back to a place of happy. But I can’t even think about how to do that right now.
This moment is about the peace I feel in knowing I have taken us to that safe place and is beyond anything I have ever known. Carrying myself and others to somewhere that holds the safety that is required in order for us to eventually continue on in our own journeys.
I need to rest in that peace for a moment. To just feel what that is in all its silent reverie….
I am so tired from the worry and burden of what this has been. Exhausted. But my body felt the effects of that relief instantaneously. Not quite dancing in the street but wanting to build its strength back up.
I feel quiet and thoughtful in all I have learnt about myself and others.
Truly and whole heartedly grateful for those few that stayed close but far enough away while I struggled to find my way through this. There were many moments when I didn’t think I would. Moments when my girl provided the reason. The darkness of those moments that will live inside me forever in ways others may never experience or understand.
Three years I spent trying to learn about myself.. 3 months was all it took to really see myself. To understand exactly who I am and what I am made of.
And in this very quiet moment alone, I have never ever felt prouder of who I am in all those very small and insignificant details. The details that have sometimes seemed not enough and been so very unimportant and easily disposable to some.
But these small and insignificant details are the difference.
They are the difference between being what I could be, in favour of being absolutely everything that I actually am.
And right now, in this moment I never felt so proud in being that.
My everything has got us to a safe place …
and in doing that it leaves a tiny seed in my mind..