Perfect in the best way possible. I knew it in how my girls face was through the entire day. Like she had been given the moon in her hands and it was shining so brightly just for her. And I loved seeing her so happy.
She has been a part of the trials of life with us way longer than the three months that have just passed.
They have impacted on her in ways that are good, bad and indifferent. Teaching her lessons which will help her in life but also I have no doubt providing sadness that we both would have so wanted to protect her from. We are just merely humans trying to be the best parents possible. And sometimes getting it so very amazingly right and sometimes getting it so spectacularly wrong. But not because we don’t care. Not from the want of trying. Because of real life. And we can’t always make the realities of life vanish, or pretend that we don’t have all our own flaws and imperfectness just because we became parents.
The tv advert myth of the perfect family. Who can live up to that?
If we put the pressure on our young men and women to look and act like those supermodels, movie stars and rock gods who have been airbrushed within an inch of those pretend and superficial worlds, The worlds that really hide all their realities and their hidden flaws.. Then trying to keep up with a concept of being a perfect parent who will never mess up in either their own life or the lives of their their kids.. well frankly there is no brush big enough to hide that fur a lifetime.
There is no such thing as that kind of perfect.
As my mum said to me many times as a teenager “wait till you’ve got your own kids them you’ll know”.
Your best is it. It’s all you’ve got and sometimes, well very often actually, you don’t even hit that. It’s a long life in being at your best in every single moment of every single day. I sure do try, but sometimes I’m just knackered, or feeling rough, or struggling or busy, or sad, or worried or or or.
Life has a way of not letting it all run beautifully perfectly for us. It kicks us around a little and when we get complacent or overly confident or feeling like we’ve got it sussed, it says.. take that arsehole. Let’s see what you got.
But yesterday, Yesterday was perfectness. The ultimate treats, all day long. Living a day in a world which frankly was unobtainable two days before, but was so lovely in our little one day bubble. From a room filled with balloons breakfast at The Wolsey, an afternoon at the movies and her first legal cocktails on the 32nd floor of the shard. It had everything she wished for.. old and new in her favourite city in the world.
A special day full of special treats..
Special because it can’t be every day.
Although I would not want to live that life every day.
In fact I saw some very spoilt, rude and ungrateful people living in that world.
I’ll write about those observations another time. But in the little bubble of my girls 18th birthday it could not have been any more perfect. Befitting of someone who was soooo grateful and appreciative and soooo visibly and invisibly happy. And she deserved every single moment of what that was.
She has lived through all sorts of sadness because of us and some that wasn’t our fault and yet she still loves and cares about both of us so much and wants us to be happy in whatever way that is. She cares about how we feel too.
Tonight she is out again with her current boyfriend for another surprise treat and tomorrow night with her friends for dancing.
But tomorrow she is also going for an interview for a part time job she has been trying to get while she finishes her a levels.
An assistant to a carer. Her role would be to provide the smiles. To give that little extra in chatting and listening to those various clients. Some old, some young children with disabilities. Being a friend to them to provide some sunshine.
She is sunshine.
She provides that for me, her dad and in those last traumatic moments of her nan’s life she gave it to her in only the way she knew how. Every time I get a what’s app and see her picture with her Nan I catch a glimpse of what that love was, still is and just what that relationship means to her.
Wishing she had said more back then but as I often remind her, just being her was all that was ever required. She was adored by J.
she knows it really and it planted a seed of wanting to care about others going through similar. When life imprints on you in that kind of beautiful and giving way then there is something very special and meaningful in the sadness of love. It doesn’t determine the paths you choose but the way you travel along them. You cannot teach thaf. You just learn it without anyone telling you.
I wonder if you can imagine how incredibly proud I feel in a young girl who loves to dance, have fun and enjoy life…
but who has so much care beyond just herself. Who wants to make some sort of difference. Somehow.
Yesterday was perfect just because her beautiful little smile gave us ours and it was worth everything.
Reminding me yet again of the amazingness of this life in all its challenges but also in all its joy.
Doesn’t matter what she does or doesn’t do in this life. What she has learnt so far feels far beyond that of some people I have met that are twice her age.
Perhaps I can’t sustain that perfect version of life we had yesterday or protect her from all those future difficulties but something tells me that she will always be ok.
Because she has a very beautiful heart and she knows that is where the real value lies… but hey, a little of how the other half live doesn’t go unappreciated in those special moments. And she lived it with a lot of appreciation.