As I wrote this I made myself cry. I didn’t realise how much confidence I had lost In something.. Just Being Me
Today I visited G and Miss L.
Still feels like home round there. Feels safe. Miss L sat on my lap like she always used to. And me and G chatted.
I miss them both.
A week after finding myself in a better place financially I am also starting to feel better in myself. Less tired, less full of the flu and more happy in myself.
And I am also feeling like I need to start to try formulating a plan. What am I going to do next? I couldn’t even get to that while I was surviving the money stuff. It was all consuming and took everything to get to the other side. I’m not in a panic or rush, but things are resolved financially, P is in a better place than he was. Working properly again and getting on with things more.
He still needs to deal with lots of stuff but i can’t make him and I can’t just fix it. Believe me, I have tried. I’ve been down that path of trying and trying and it was a very unhappy and lonely one. I’m not walking down it again.
It’s time for him to start to take some responsibility for his own stuff and he knows it.
I’m still here right now to support him and I’ll always be there for him. He knows that. But only he can do what needs to be done to make changes. I can’t be the key to everything.
And I feel like I do deserve some happiness too.
I need to start to rebuild a life for me again. The one that was squashed beyond repair and now finds me starting again, from scratch.
I’ve accepted that. The anger has disappeared. You can’t go backwards. I have to just move forwards. Start again and hope that I can find a new happy life.
There are still practicalities to deal with in terms of sorting the money. Paying things off etc so that I can see where I am at in terms of what options I have.
Not many….. but a couple more than none. And I intend to. be more logical and rational in my next steps to build for longer term security than jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
I didn’t have any choice in how I ended up here, but I did have a choice in how I dealt with it and likewise in how I plan to go forward.
And planning is everything.
I don’t intend to ever find myself in a place like 3 months ago again.
Financially independent and secure is driving this girl and my heart is sitting out this part of the show. Let the logic build the foundations ready for the dreamer to create some magic.
Maybe I need to employ a little of both in the right places to ensure long term happiness rather than just a whirl in the sun.
Although that whirl in the sun meant everything to me.
But I would like to be everything I can be and although I may be an ordinary girl I think I am capable of doing extraordinary things. Maybe.
I feel a little lost in where to start though.
I can’t afford to move yet but I do have a weekend of dog sitting for G next weekend which will be a lovely dip into my old life to remind me what that looked like. I think the timing is perfect.
What I am finding though, is that I distanced myself from pretty much everyone in trying to function in this. Apart from a couple who I feel really comfortable with.
But the majority I disconnected from and I’m struggling in reconnecting. I’ve got so used to being isolated and alone I am struggling to want to be around people.
I’m not sure what this is. Im fine with strangers. Chat and move on. But not people I know. I think maybe I have felt safer on my own.
I think I am struggling a little with trust again. Not wanting to be hurt, again. Just thinking about it is making my eyes water. I’m not sure who I trust and who I don’t anymore apart from a couple but if I don’t connect with others I will soon be very lonely. I am already feeling very lonely. I think I have for three months but just like all those other feelings, I squashed it down only now it has surfaced.
I have become expert in not talking to people, even in messages, and swerving prospective meet ups. L&M, S and K all feel safe for me. And so I am ok in those. But anything beyond feels less so.
Maybe once I get myself back out there it will be ok.
I’ve had to be someone I’m not to be able to function through this and now I’m trying to be myself again. I think I am scared to put that girl back out there in case she is squashed again.
Perhaps for now I will just concentrate on work and study. I start my new training on Wednesday and I want to start my own practice.
I’ll be busy. And I do want to self care more. Swimming being my go to. Thinking of joining a gym with a pool.
But I realise tonight, as I am sitting by myself again on a Saturday night that I can’t remember the last time I went out without carrying a heavy load of worries and really letting my hair down and having fun. It’s just not been an option. And I think I’ve even forgotten how to do it.
Three months of constantly fighting and surviving this thing has affected me, for sure.
I’m starting to wonder if in fact not only have I forgotten how to have fun, I have forgotten how to just be me.