Never have I looked forward to seeing J so much tomorrow. I’m holding so much and needing a place to share it.
I need help now Desperately.
I’m fighting to find my way out. Trying to push through and assert what is mine. Trying to be me again. Doing everything I can think of that will help me in that.
I’m pushing to make the change that I need. The change that I made over 2 years ago. It was so hard then and it feels even harder now.
I’m pulling on everything I have learnt, everything that makes me stronger and thinking of everything and everyone that is out there but I am currently disconnected from. They provide reminders of what I can do.
I know what is happening here. I know enough about this stuff to know, but when you are in it, fighting against it, with nowhere to turn it is harder than you think.
And right now I am doing it in isolation.
Not wanting to talk to people I know because they will tell me what I already know and all that will do is make me feel weak and stupid in not just getting myself back out of this.
Isolation is the worst way to be in it.
“Where are all your friends now” I hear. “Always told you they didn’t give a shit about you.”
Don’t think It doesn’t leave me questioning that myself.
Only to remind myself that I i removed them. Spent a whole year going through this with all eyes watching. Could not put myself through that again.
But I’m not weak or stupid. I know that.
Before I arrived I was feeling confident and in control of my life.
Right now I am bouncing between shouting at myself and cheering myself on that I can find my way out (usually when I’m on my own) or, feeling like there is something wrong with me and that I’m some kind of crazy. Am internal battle I am having just with myself to push back all those self doubts that make me more vulnerable and easier to control. I hear it in my writing. Fighting between my posts of feeling and understanding the emotional person followed by telling myself what I need to hear and what I’m capable of.
In trying to sort out the mess I wore myself down. More and more and more. Till I had nothing left.
Trying to fight this when I am oh so tired is nothing short of exhausting.
But I’m fighting it. Every single day. The weekends are worse. Unlike everyone else I dread them.
I don’t think he realises what he is doing. It is coming from a place of sadness and feeling insecure. Exactly how I am now feeling.
The weaker I am the stronger he gets.
When I assert myself his response is to either put me down or be wounded. When I retreat and just hide again and carry on, then I am told I am loved.
I absolutely need to find my way back out.
If it was just me it would be much more simple. But I’m so aware of my girl in all of this. And also in looking after my future interests. I have been here before and nearly lost everything in being bold and walking away.
No one back then knew just how difficult that was for me. I did not do it lightly. I was not weak and feeble back then. That took huge strength to walk away from everything I had worked so hard for during half my life.
And having almost lost all of it in the last few months I can only tell you that the strength is coming from a place of protecting mine and my girls future.
I also find myself defending him. I know he is a good person. I’ve known him many years. He was not always like this.
He really wasn’t.
He has so many amazing qualities.
He loves me I have no doubt. But not in a way that I want to be loved. A way that stops me from being who I am and makes me sad.
Suppressed? Yes. Something i didn’t appreciate being told once, so coldly and insensitively. There is knowing what something is and making someone look stupid and weak in letting them know that. There are lots of complexities in these situations that don’t necessarily make it as simple as just getting up and walking away.
Having the means to take action always helps.
What do you think fuelled me to work harder and aim for more.
Sometimes making change requires patience and a strong will and heart.
And I cannot fault him as a dad He is and has always been a wonderful dad.
And wanting to be good parents that can have a good relationship feels important to me too.
Bu those very things fuel the difficulty in trying to free myself from the grip that comes in an emotional form that pushes every button I have. It feels really difficult to fight against it.
And I am struggling to do it by myself. Managing to get back up and keep trying but it is tough.
I can only imagine how some of those I trained with would look down on me in seeing me in this position.
Not wanting to hurt people is my button.
And it is the button that is consistently being pushed.
And I need help in how to fight that.
Sorting that money was step 1. Providing safety and securing a future.
But it has also given me the means to find some back up. To give me someone else to help me find what is required to make the changes I want to make.
For anyone looking in and thinking I’m some kind of crazy … I’m not.
I’m an ordinary girl who cares a lot. Just trying to do the things I need to do in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling like the kind of people I don’t want to be. The ones that only ever think of themselves and don’t care about anything beyond.
Perhaps I do it the hard way but it’s important to me to do it the right way too.
For me, for my girl and for him. I care about him.
Struggling to get there but I always have to believe that I will and a little support is coming.

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