They say that you never really learn how to drive until after you pass the test and you’re out there on your own.
I’m relating so much to my girls battle in learning to drive.
Having passed her test a week ago she is now learning to drive again in the little red micra.
Most of her friends were given new cars for their birthdays. Unfortunately it wasn’t an option, so she is sharing mine.
And she has struggled with it, almost reversing into the garages where she gave it a little too much rev. It shook her up.
But after gentle persuasion I got her back in the car to try again. Car park, round and round the block until she was bored and tonight a trip to dancing.
How little patience other people have. While contending with not stalling, Keeping control of an unfamiliar vehicle and having to drive in amongst busy traffic, she also had to listen to people bibbing at her when she stalled at the roundabout, the lights, the junction and a car swerving round her to get past. And on the way home someone not stopping to give her right of way. They ended up head to head. It wasn’t my girls fault but she was left feeling like it was.
Stay calm I said. You are doing sooooo well.
We made it to our destinations. Her little legs were shaking she said but she wants to get there and the only way to do it is to just get out there and drive.
And she knows she can. She just needs to get used to the different car and build her confidence. Eventually it will feel less of an ordeal.
As I came indoors I thought I’m so feeling what you are.
Having felt so happy confident and at ease where I was previously, I then crashed in dramatic fashion and now feel like I have lost so much confidence.
Putting myself back out there again is taking lots of effort and is feeling really scary right now. Not that anyone would know. But I know.
Every time I have made contact with someone, or sent a message, or made an arrangement I have felt anxious.
It would be so much easier to not put myself out there. To continue hiding. To say that I don’t need to. I’m happier just staying indoors in the warm on my own. Keeping myself to myself where there is no risk of getting knocked or making mistakes or god forbid ending up in another car crash.
But what good is that. After all that previous effort. To just throw it all away because I feel scared. If I keep fighting the fear and put myself out there then eventually I won’t even think about it anymore, I will stop worrying and feel safe. Well at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I have to have some trust in me and others.
I hate that I feel like this and I’m fighting it but I feel how I feel.
It’s like every time I turn on the tv I’m bombarded with images of all these strong and beautiful women and i find myself feeling the opposite.
It’s like I look at all these other people and think, what’s wrong with me that I can’t be like that.
This thing has obviously hurt me so much and left me feeling so insecure in myself. And I’m not quite sure how to fix it. I want to. I want to feel like I did 3 months ago but I don’t know how to get it back.
So I will just keep on trying.
Maybe, eventually, if I keep putting myself out there, my confidence will find its way back to me and I will feel like someone again.
I will stand up tall.