Tonight I reconnected to a tonic I needed.
Not one with a gin in it.
But My little bro.
Alongside my mum he is the family I like being around. Ovs my family is complicated too. Shocker!
He keeps it real, he tells me straight and he makes me laugh.
He also found himself held at arms length by me. His protectiveness would have made it harder for me during those three months.
He would have felt like he had to fix it for me. But only I could fix it. I needed to fix it.
I didn’t want to be rescued.
I needed to be the person who had the strength to sort the mess out myself.
To find my hidden strength, to try and be more, as well as finding something more that I wasn’t looking for.
I never find it when I’m looking for it.
Bit like shopping for a dress when you’ve got money to spend.
When I spoke to black panther this morning we were talking about what you learn in these moments. He and his family have been dealing with something very similar to what P”s family went through a couple of years back. We have been friends to each other in our lack of sharing the details.
Just a nod and an arm touch to each other, acknowledging that we were both fighting in something and both surviving it.
Today we talked about how much you learn about yourself and others in those moments.
About who are the keepers. You can’t see it when life is marvellous and fun. All those people clamouring for the good stuff. The party. We all love a party. But when the shit hits the fan, that’s when you see what all those good time people are made of.
Who is still there even when you push them out. The ones that hang in there for you even when you hold them at a distance. Letting you know that they don’t just need the party.
Nature’s way of sifting out what you don’t need as I was told yesterday.
The fair weathers.
I’ve met a lot of those. I’m a lover of people. Get on with pretty much everyone other than the odd few. And yet I have always been very discerning with letting people come in closer. I can be part of the party. I totally know how to be part of that.. but you have to be something very special to find your way beyond my party. I have always seen how quickly people can disappear when you no longer have what they need or are able to give them what they want. Saw it as a kid, even more as I’ve got older and at its clearest in the past few years.
Less is most definitely more in my world.
Those few specials. The really genuines. The ones that I may have distanced and not been able to give very much to but were still there in my thoughts and my heart.
I learn a lot from those few. They give something that makes me want to do better. Be a better friend. Their friendship is so beyond the party because It is made of more.
BP was in total agreement with me as we opened up about what it had looked like now we had both made it to the other side. Not being able to talk about it while we were in it but ok to share now we had survived it and could start to feel something more. Friendship cemented in more.
Friendship for me is about give and take. Sometimes it is not completely equal. But there is something in those special friendships that mean over time it will even itself out. The changing moments that can see you going from all to nothing. That is what real friendship is made of. It is what builds longevity and provides real meaning in relationships.
And hidden within that is also a protection of each other’s happiness Sometimes they don’t always coincide and part of being there for someone else, is not squashing their happiness.
I couldn’t share what was happening for me as I needed to protect myself but I also wanted to protect others.
Their friendship would be much more needed by me when I reached the other side.
My little bro was one of those. He finds it difficult to see me in trouble. It makes him sad. He has been there for me lots of times but I didn’t want him there in this.
But tonight I did. And I shared with him having reached the other side. And he gave me just what I needed. He laughed. He laughed at the complete absurdity of the situation. And he made me laugh. I know. It’s fucking ridiculous.
Having seen J last night who I felt was angrier about it all than I was, I found myself tonight laughing at what a fucking crazy arse situation I had walked into.
We cracked up when I told him that I would be spending this weekend back at not my home on not my floor with not my dog.
M you’re lovely but you’re a lunatic. But he totally got it. He grew up with me. He knows how those deeply held values work in our manor. But he also told me that I need to find my way back to what I want. You’re going places M. Look what you’ve done. Look what you can do.
I made him laugh when I said that coaching and mentoring are part of the training I start tomorrow. Let me be a role model of what you could be. You too could be this successful!!!
We were crying at that thought.
And as he left me at the tube station, he chuckled that he needed a counsellor after seeing me.
And I felt like I was back. Back in the world. Back in the land of the living.
Sometimes I need people who are there after the event. That provide what I need as I am getting myself back in the game. When I am finding my way back up. When I am picking up the pieces. That make me laugh.
Not part of the sadness or the party .. but the bit in between.
That after removing myself from the world, those people still care enough about me to still want to be a part of my world.
For me that’s when real friends show themselves. Strangers have heard my sadness, Thankyou, L and K have sat on the edge and sent me some love, Thankyou, my girl has been my sunshine, and the other special few have remained in the background until I needed them.
You are the keepers and tonight was a massive boost to finding my way back to them to share in the journey I will be taking back up.
Im moving slowly, getting there gradually, but your smiles, your happiness, your friendship will be exactly what will help me to find mine.
The little lights that shine the way to better.
Tonight I reconnected to a tonic I needed.