I have felt less of a need to write this weekend. It’s been lovely.
I’m alone but I have had Miss L for company which means that there is love floating around in the air. I think we are the same but in Human/Dog variety.
When I woke up this morning she was right next to me. I felt her little paw on my arm.
It’s the closest I’ve come to be cuddled in bed for a very long time. For a girl that is very tactile and shows affection physically I can’t even tell you how much I have needed a cuddle. Just a cuddle that said I was loved and everything would be ok.
I believe I am worth that.
Someone told me I was loveable but I have never felt less loveable than I have in the past 3 months.
But G’s new housemate said to me today Omg Miss L really loves you. G said she does. She is so good and happy with you here. I definitely feel her love. She went crazy when I arrived to pick her up.
She can wrap me round her little paws . I proper love her and she knows it.
She is 12 but is like a puppy. When ever we are together people assume that she is mine. I pretend she is. Her puppy nature makes her so playful and curious and friendly. Only when you look more closely do you realise that she has no teeth, her tongue hangs out and she has a heart condition.
And yet to me she is completely perfect. She has something really special. An energy and zest for everything that is around her and she’s just really cute and loveable Her excitement when it’s time for a walk is infectious. She jumps and twirls as though I’m taking her on an adventure into the stars.
I end up jumping and twirling with her. And you can’t rush her. She knows her own mind and likes to take her time and take it all in. You will never get anywhere fast. We like the tiny insignificant details. Me with the sky and the trees and the way the sun sparkles in a certain way. Her in the amazing variety of Bins and other dogs wee. But she also loves to smell the flowers. That one we share.
She’s been with me everywhere I’ve gone this weekend. To pick up my girl, to buy some shampoo, and lying under my chair while I had my eyes tested.
And wherever we are people love her. She’s just so easygoing and loving.
Haha I have teeth, all of them 😁 but it’s true that my heart condition is incurable. I love too much.
In fact very often I do all the loving while others just take it, giving nothing in return.
It’s fine. Well it’s not fine but I have got used to it. Besides I never give to receive.
If I love you.. well I just love you. Simples.
But does it feel wonderful to receive it in all its unconditional variety? Where I have to do no more than be exactly as I am. Well maybe the odd digestive biscuit. It sure as hell does.
And we know how to chill together. A little music, a few cosy pillows and we lie on the bed. Every now and then throwing each other a little glance and then we carry on with what we are doing. Not a lot actually. I had plans to get lots of stuff done and then thought, stuff it. I’m just gonna sleep, watch tv, read a book and tonight a mini pamper. It feels good to take a bit of care of myself.
On the first day I was still carrying all the sadness and lack of confidence that I have been left with over the past 3 months. I felt my exhaustion with life, with the world, with people.
The girl that has been performing for the crowd in order to carry on and function but has felt completely worn out. Being the showgirl has felt like the only way to survive.
Disillusioned with a world that loves money, power, beauty, fame success.
Feeling like I’m not made for the reality of this life and the way people are. I don’t want to be a tough go getter who walks over others to get what she wants.
Isn’t gentle, warm, dreamy and fun loving, good enough to find real happiness and be valued and loved by others?
It has felt very traumatic in being wrenched from a life I was happy in to finding myself in a place of chaos and worry and trying to fix it whilst trying to keep all those other balls in the air.
Trying to lift someone I care about only to be pushed down the stronger they became.
There has been no let up and trying to breathe in it has been impossible. Needing to escape from that has never been more needed. If just for a moment while I work out next steps.
Having fought for that safety, I realised today that I haven’t had a single Thankyou. Instead straight after I was asked what are you doing now? When and where are you gonna go. Having wrecked the life I built, the safe and lovely place I had to live and is no longer available, I am being pushed to have a new plan. I don’t. It took me 18 months to get to that place. I need some strength to start that journey again and this time I won’t be pushed around.
Perhaps I will stay here and you can find somewhere I said. Ovs that went down like a lead balloon but was my way of saying, don’t bully me after needing my help.
The time in my old parisian palace has gone so fast. But even faster was how quickly I settled back into this life. How comfortable I felt, how much more like me I am and how easy it was to fit with the new housemate who has been lovely all weekend.
We connected straight away. I really like her. She needed to talk but I pointed her in the direction of someone in more of a position to help her right now.
So what next? As I took another walk with miss L tonight I looked at all the cosy places people have. How much I want that for myself. Somewhere I can settle and make my own. Where I don’t have to be what I’m not just so that everyone else is happy.
I wouldn’t hurt a fly intentionally. But I’m fed up with people thinking it’s ok to hurt me.
I deserve better. I know it but it feels like another battle I have to have to get there. And I’m very worn out with fighting.
Its taking a lot for me to just reconnect with people. Worrying that I no longer have any place in their worlds and will be rejected. That they will have moved on to sooo much better and I am just some messy baggage they would rather leave behind. But I guess f that is the case then I don’t want them in my world either. Their loss even if they don’t realise it.
Loveable I may not feel right now. Perhaps I don’t have the qualities that people look for. The superficial ones that are celebrated so much more in this world than those basic and simple qualities.
I know how to love, to care, have kindness in my heart, have girlish fun that makes all those insignificant things exciting and magical, the fact that beyond all my dreamy imaginings I have a strength and bravery to do what feels right and goes beyond my own wants and needs. Those qualities may not hold any weight in this world but I will learn to love them more in myself and others.
Perhaps they will never make me part of the popular crowd, the cool crowd, the glamorous crowd, the fun crowd.
But I don’t need a crowd. Just a few people who like me just as I am and don’t care that I’m not perfect. That my imperfectness makes me perfect for them. That I don’t have to perform for them just as they don’t for me and that I have as much value in their world as they do in mine.
I mean I know exactly what it feels like to love. Pretty amazingly spectacular. Like giving the best part of who you are as a gift and wanting to surround them with a warmth and care that lets them know how special and valuable and irreplaceable they are.
The people I really love are unique and treasured and can’t be swapped for a different model. It has to be them.
I could get a new dog of my own but it will never be Miss L.
She is the one.
A fellow showgirl. The Parisian teddy bear who is very discerning when it comes to other dogs. She is friendly to them all but if they sniff around her too much and she gets a certain vibe she just wanders off. Not interested. But she does love the quiet little sausage dog in the forest. He seems to have something that captures her eye and he kept looking back as he wandered off. It made me smile.
And Dare I say it, if there is a sausage dog for her then perhaps there is a hot dog for me. One that isn’t about all that is superficial, one that values all of my unique qualities, one that loves being around me but doesn’t feel like they need to own me or tell me what I can and cannot be, one that wants my life to be amazing as I would want theirs. Giving as much as they take.
Tonight I’m thinking, that doesn’t feel too much to ask for. And actually I don’t wish to accept anything less.
Because I’m so much more than just a showgirl.