Don’t be nervous just drive

Tonight I can feel my anxiety growing. I have made arrangements this month to meet a few people. The push to reengage in life. To stop hiding within the safety of just myself.
But I’m feeling it. Throughout the week I have fought with myself not to cancel. To take the easy route that requires no effort on my part.
It’s easy at work. Just talk about the work or listen and laugh at other peoples stories and anecdotes. No sharing of anything that belongs to me. I am busy and it means that I don’t need to talk much. Always friendly and smiling and saying hello to anyone I pass but not having to make a conversation.
I feel like I have nothing to say. Nothing to bring. The most uninteresting person. My last three months have been about nothing but getting through it. Sorting and surviving it.
And I don’t want to talk about that. It feels like something I want to forget. Push it down to a place where I can pretend it didn’t happen. Every now and then flashing back to moments of darkness on the swing feeling like I didn’t know how to get through it. A complete shutdown of an emotional person.
I am finding it hard to express anything of my own other than just crying. I know how to cry. Not in front of others though. By myself and usually following any sort of kindness which I can’t really cope with at the moment.
I’m like a tortoise putting my head outside of my shell but my body is shaking underneath at the thought of how I might respond to being around others. I’m out of practice.
I feel like I will be the worst company ever. A part of me has hoped they would cancel. Not because I don’t want to see them but so that I don’t have to face those feelings of anxiety. But I have to face it otherwise it will just get harder.
But what will I talk about? I haven’t done anything interesting, or exciting, or fun or inspiring or anything. Just functioning. Going through the motions of life until I got to this point. Trying to find a way back into the world.. living.
Perhaps it’s like riding a bike. It will just come back to me. How to be around others.
I’ve always been such a chatterbox. It will be so noticeable if I don’t talk much. But I feel in a better place to just listen. To let someone tell me their excitement , their fun, their inspiring experiences, show their interesting so they don’t see my lack of it.
I worry about seeing their disappointment in wasting a night with someone who has nothing to bring.
When my girl drove to dancing tonight she said to me “next week I’ll do it by myself. Cause I feel like I can”
She can. She drove really well. I felt her confidence next to me. Her feet are adjusting to the pedals and she didn’t stall once. More in control and talking as she drove. Starting to relax a little In all her nervousness.
She was so happy when we got back.
I have pushed her a little. Not too much so she felt pressured. But enough to say you can do it. Don’t give up. It will get easier.
Using those same words on myself till I feel less nervous and more like me.

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