What to do to mark a start of taking more care of myself. Being kinder to myself as someone pointed out.
Today in oxford street I bought myself a brand new beanie hat. My other one was looking a little worse for wear. A new beanie for a new journey back to a place that I want to be. Nothing can stop a big hearted girl in a beanie.
Taking care of myself is something I know J will be instilling in me tomorrow. I could have the session with myself.
I already know where I need to start. Booking a haircut, dentist, finding quiet time for myself whether that’s walking or a bubbly bath with candles, seeing friends for chilled out nights, with a sprinkling of music and dancing. And sorting those various things I’ve put on the back burner but are my route to work satisfaction and better prospects. Living a simple life so I can keep aside that little extra money I added to the loan for myself, to provide a buffer to never find myself in a place like that again. Finding new ways of earning the extra I need for nights out and trips away. It might take me a while but I’ve never been afraid of hard work. It always means more when you have to work for it. But just for a moment I am giving myself a chance to rest a little too. To catch up on all that lost sleep and look for all the magic that I have buried within. J will give me a place to share what the reality and feelings look like for me so I can find my way back to all that magic. Express all those feelings In their truest form. Without having to make it palatable for others, or pretending to feel more confident and strong than I do, or worrying about hurting someone else by saying how much this has hurt me and how unhappy it has made me.
I know that they did not/do not mean to hurt me. I was given flowers yesterday which I was grateful for but it isn’t about me being unforgiving uncaring or unable to stand strong for a person I had wanted to spend my life with. This is about my feelings. Feelings that were lost in all the difficulties, sadness, struggles, and that feeling that had been expressed so many times in finding myself so alone with someone else for so very long. Being the person who did all the giving and no matter how much I gave it was never enough. My life can’t just be for them and I will never really understand why they would have wanted it to be, if they truly love me.
The me that comes alive when surrounded by Life, People, Experiences.
The girl that they originally fell in love with.
To love someone is to want for their happiness as much as your own. Or am I completely crazy in my theory of love?
And in finding myself in this place I don’t want to destroy the essence of who I am. Ending up bitter hearted or cold or untrusting or cynical. I am good hearted and fun, I do care and I am kind and to lose those things would make me so much a lesser person than how i feel right now. I am holding on to those things with both hands. They are the things that find me reengaging with the world. That make me smile. That find the joy the magic, the sunshine the fun, the dreamy happy in life. Because I never want to stop believing that life can be so much more than just those superficial things that make you fit a mould. That have been created by similarly superficial marketeers and are seen as the mark of beauty and strength.
Corny as it sounds I truly believe that beauty and strength do come from within and if I can try to embrace my own then perhaps I will find my success through love care and kindness.
It’s the only route I’m interested in walking and hopefully I can find some fun, laughs and amazing people to share that with along the way.
Well that’s a little more of the plan I’m building In my new beanie hat 😊