Putting my best foot forward
I always do. My best foot is my heart and it is in every single step I ever take. Yes it is incredibly draining but so worth it.
Even when things are hard, or I get hurt, or feel sad. When I look as though I lack any confidence or strength. Invisible to the naked eye. There is total confidence and strength in my conviction to try to live life in a way that feels good. Right. Right in the way that feels right to me. Trying so hard to consider others in how I behave or treat them. I’m not looking to be liked by others. I want to like myself. To look in the mirror in the morning and feel like what looks back is as true to the person I am as I can be.
I have been called selfish many many times. It hurts for sure but less and less. Because I know I try not to be.
I want to live life. My life. Not owned by anyone else. And I want to live it in my way. In a way that allows me to be all that I am and can be. But within my beliefs. Not in a way that doesn’t consider others as I make my way through the joys and difficulties of life. My version of what living a life should be. I trust in it. It comes from my heart and it’s the best bit of me. It’s the only part that has any real meaning.
I’ve had moments where I’ve not looked at myself with those proud eyes in who I am. Where I know I have let myself down and others. Whatever anyone tells me or however much I sit with a therapist who sees everything from my point of view. I know. I know what sits right with me. What feels right in my heart. That allows me to walk along with my head held high knowing I did it the best way I could. Making myself proud. Im not a perfect human by any stretch. Not even close.
And have no wish to be.
And nor do I want to feel important. I’m just a spec in the ocean of this world. But perhaps I might find in my lifetime if I am really lucky that in living my life in my way, I will be important to people who I care about and who care about me back. Who love how I love. Who care whether I am here or not because something about me matters to them.
How lucky I will feel to have that.
Perhaps I miss out, perhaps I could have it all. Perhaps it is one life and who will care what I did or didn’t do after I’ve gone. It’s all about now.
But I care . If I’m gonna be here, if I’m going to step out into this world and be around others then I want to do it in a way that I can remember all those special moments of life in a way that I can feel good about them because there was something beautiful attached to them.
Where I didn’t squash anyone intentionally on my way. We all make mistakes.
If that sounds naive and childlike then I’m glad.
The unspoilt version that sees the world as it should always be seen.
That says I recognise my small place in this world but I can do big things just by being me. A caring human who knows how to love. Who teaches her child to live in a way that she can feel proud of. Whatever way that might be.
And that very thought made me happy tonight. Smiling all the way and finding people smiling at me. Smiling as I travelled home to a life that is not as I wish it but sees me right now giving my girl everything she needs at the moment. Calm, stability, safety and love.
I’m Singing loud and proud too K. For the confidence in trying to live life in a way that makes me feel good about myself because it’s not always easy but it is the part of myself that I like the most.
Putting my best foot forward