My mind is on overdrive this morning. When little dots join together to create a piece of puzzle that fits but who knows where. I don’t even care where it fits. The piece alone leaves me skipping along in the crisp air in a way that I see something, feel something but I don’t need to quantify it or work it out. Why? Because It just is.
Making no sense? Perfect. I like it that way. It’s random stuff that pops into my head and somehow has relevance as I move along. But I don’t know or care why. I just like thinking about it.
When I was standing out side a station listening to music I was asked what I was listening to. I’ll listen to it too.
Maniac.. that’s what it was. I don’t know why. I think because it has reminded me how I felt as a kid and it was serving me well as I was standing there in all my nervousness. That song has always made me feel like I can do or be anything. I didn’t get a chance to say as I started chatting in the street. Chatting in that way I always have. How I’ve always been. Happy being in In a moment and connecting to something or someone.
What did I love about my training. Being in a room with people who I thought were there for the same reasons. Looking for something beyond the superficial. Wanting to dig deeper and see more. I wanted to see more of myself and others. Wanting to see what it might look like to reveal ourselves in all our vulnerabilities and flaws. To see all of the stuff that is hidden and not conducive to the world we live in but in that space would be ok and still feel lovable. It’s funny how people say they have moved on. Yes I feel that too but the moments and the experiences move along with me and replay in snippets when something else triggers them.
Did I find what I was looking for in that room? In a few specials who were willing to do the same but replaced by things that I wasn’t looking for but found me.
But what I also found and disliked in that training was that need to quantify everything. Theory. To have to have an explanation for everything. To have to know what the root was so that you could understand it. Give it a foundation or a reason. To be able to give it a lovely label that explained why those strengths and weaknesses existed. Did it make us feel better to think “it’s not my fault I’m this way?”. I’m only this way because of what came before.
I don’t want to blame anyone for what came before. I want to thank them for helping to make me who I am. In all my changes and in all those elements of me that are still the same and stand the test of time. Deep rooted in something that I don’t want to unroot. Who can even know which parts are the nature or nurture. It’s the biggest riddle of all time and yet I felt a need to work it out. In that room, in therapy blah blah etc. Until I found that Is was so logical and contained so little feeling that it no longer made any sense to me.
Because as hard as anyone tries, one can quite fit love into that logical box. There is no box big enough to hold it. I know. I’ve tried to cage it up and throw a million padlocks on there but it can’t be held in and the more I listen to maniac the more I don’t want it to. It’s the passion of life. It’s what connects the world together when it wants to disconnect.
I’ve read things that have made me laugh. Love bombing!! I think I may be one of those. It tells me why. All the flaws that I have that make me love too much. In ways that others don’t. There must be something wrong with me that if it goes beyond a normal level. The norm. To love in the open hearted and naive way that I did as a kid and have never grown out of. Nor do I want to.
Because that is Love. It is a maniac. It’s reckless and uncontrollable and beyond any theory or rational thinking. It is purely and simply beautiful. Because you can’t contain it, or label it, or put it in a box, or theorise it. The moment you do you have lost your ability to really feel it.
And that very feeling is exactly what makes me dance on a chilly morning on an ordinary day. Love is a passion for life. It is saying I don’t give a shit what any of the rules say, I’m just gonna be a maniac.