Trusting In Myself

I skipped into therapy tonight feeling really great. i have found an energy and happiness in myself over the past couple of weeks, despite all the challenges that I feel like I’m managing to rise above.
But I came away from my session feeling completely rubbish and like I had been squashed. Like the dreamy kid in a time gone by being told to stop day dreaming.
Why?
Why is it when you look for the good, and the happy and the best that life and people can offer, people feel the need to remind you that this is reality And life isn’t made that way. You have decisions and actions to take. And of course it is my inability to show anger in all its glory that is preventing me from changing my situation.
Squelch!!! Thanks J.
She was challenging me, I get it.
Perhaps I’m moving at a snails pace in changing things on a practical level but is it ok if I just feel happy and magical for a moment after having felt so shit. Just for a moment so that I can give myself the extra I need to ride through the challenge of another Christmas. That time where for many, magic, love and wonderful surprises will be thrown at them. Having started this year feeling like this would finally be my year for that, I instead had to accept that I will have to create my own magic again by trying to bring happy to my girl, borrowing some sparkle from friends in the build up to the holidays and feeling the faith within, of better times to come.
I have been embracing every single good feeling that I have found in my interactions with others, in the strength I feel from getting to a better place and in building myself back up to where I was before all the craziness.
I came home and felt like I wanted to cry. As though I was a silly kid who is completely clueless and doesn’t know how to be a success. If ever there was a moment in someone not getting you at all that would be it.
I wish I had used the money to give myself a nice treat instead.
I guess this is what I signed up for. The ability to be challenged in what I believe and who I am. All part of the journey. But instead what I was left with was that feeling that unless you see it like the masses then there must be something wrong with you. Unless you feel it in the way everyone else does then you must be stupid.
Was she trying to find my angry in the room.
What she actually found was my weariness in another person trying to change me into what I’m not.
I don’t want to be like that. Not because I can’t, because I don’t want to.
I like being the way I am even if the road feels difficult.
I’ll sleep on it and feel better in the morning I am sure. But for the record, I know what angry looks like. It’s that Emotion that lacks control when you are trying to control all the other emotions that sit beneath. It’s giving someone else all your bad shit so that you don’t have to deal with it yourself.
I’m dealing with all of it in my own quiet way. Writing being my release at different times so that I can get rid of what is past and live in the present.
I don’t want to argue all Christmas. I want to make it a nice place for my girl to be until I can start to change things in the new year.
Big lesson learnt with my own clients.
I felt her sense of clever in making connections with things from my present with things from my past. Only as clever and on the money as it sounded it actually didn’t quite fit. I am not hiding.
The reason I rarely show anger is because in my experience all it achieves is hurting you and others. And I’m not in the business of wanting to do either.
I’m finding my way quite happily in this and I will get to where I’m trying to get to when I get there but in the meantime I would like to carry on strolling in my own little way with a smile on my face because that creates happiness for me my girl and potentially for those beyond.
Love or hate?
I choose love every tine.

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