I deleted a post yesterday. I wanted to remove my sadness from the night before which disappeared the next morning having slept on it.
But I couldn’t just delete the thought. I sat on the tube trying to work out why it bothered me so much. And once I got to the reason I knew what I felt. She made an assumption about who I am without really knowing or understanding me. And that irritated me.
You need to get to your angry. What would it feel like to be angry. Oh bore off I thought. this is costing me 45 quid going down a road that has no relevance.
But rather than say that I held it, I went along with it and made her feel like she was right.
She was completely wrong actually. Couldn’t have been any more off the mark. I felt more annoyed with myself for not saying.
I left thinking, I don’t think I want to go there anymore. The runner arrived as I left that room.
Less angry more an unwillingness to want to rock the boat by telling others they are wrong, or annoying or they hurt me.
I rarely feel really angry. I just don’t. You have to really come at me to make me feel like that. Only when I squashed down all the other feelings did I feel it surging through me. I guess I could have unleashed it and then what? I tend to try and channel it into something useful. That’s what I do. I feel it sometimes but from watching another who couldn’t control it I think I learnt another way.
I understand anger better than people might think.
But i was left thinking about why I find it so difficult to express the things that others do that impact on me negatively. Not wanting to hurt others, especially people I care about and then either be rejected or have conflict.
Preferring to feel it by myself than voice it.
Quiet life as they say.
A treasured friend of mine yesterday said something to me. My response to that was feeling like I didn’t matter in their world. The feeling .. stupid, sad.. followed by an annoyance in myself that I let myself feel rubbish and didn’t say how I felt. Not the first time I have felt that and sucked it up.
Left feeling small and inconsequential.
I have felt that in the past. Ive known for quite a while how similar that feeling is to my past.
They are always right and challenge at your peril.
Only I’m not willing to feel like that anymore.
No matter how much I care. If I’m not valued equally then don’t bother. I would rather have friendships where I matter as much to them as they do to me.
Because actually I know I am worth it. If not to them to many others that see it.
So just say it I did.
Instead of just running. I thought about it for a moment as I deleted them. But running isn’t even an option anymore. Facing it head on is where I am at. And I’m not scared anymore.
Being alone, or rejected, or judged is holding no fear .. but hurting people I love does.
And yet while I worry so much about hurting them do they give a shit if they hurt me.
Probably not. So where is the loss in that.
They are free to move on and hurt someone new.
When I got home I received a message from someone I met a week ago for a couple of hours when I was playing a game at work which I won. What would you do?
His message “Thankyou for being so courageous in that room”. I so appreciated those words. Words that were echoed by Superman.
I didn’t feel like I had been courageous but I guess in that moment when others were not it was seen.