Do what I need to do

Thank goodness for my Fridays.

Monday’s were once my favourite day of the week.

I was soooo excited about where they might take me. I felt so lucky, so happy so enthusiastic and feeling like I would live a dream I had only ever imagined.
It started out like that before that dream turned into a nightmare. With all that happened.

Placing my trust and faith in some people that I thought cared.
That in the saddest moments of my life would look out for me. That valued me in all my differences. That befriended me as though I would be a friend to them forever. That saw my worth beyond who I was, where I came from or where I was going. I believed in all my naivety in their genuine and their care.
Over time I have found a special few. Friends to a greater or lesser extent But with care for them all. And I feel so very very grateful for that. To continue on in some of their lives feels like such a massive privilege.
But in the person I was closest to during that time I am feeling like they did not value me then or now. I put so much into that friendship, took risks in it, and meeting them impacted on both me as a person and my life. Their lack of care, And talking to me as though I am one of their clients rather than a friend just made me feel sad and annoyed.
Does “becoming more” give you an arrogance and superiority. If it does then find me a friend in a crappy fleece.

Perhaps that time didn’t really mean anything to them. Just a little nothing course full of nobodies. Just a stepping stone to where they wanted to get to, a route to more, just another little experience amongst all the other amazing experiences in their life.
Constantly moving on to better.
Because that’s what their world affords them.
Oh the privilege of something that is huge for one person but is just a tiny experience amongst the many for someone else.
Meaningful for a moment and then meaningless.

They have hurt me as they passed through on their way to more. To better. A person who I trusted, believed in and wished everything for.

But I find myself even more glad I’m made the way I’m made. Perhaps I don’t know how to communicate in the right way, but I sure do know how to feel it. And I feel it all with my whole heart. And there is no training course for that. I was born with it.

But I will do what I need to do.

I love this job so much. In all its sadness, difficulties, pain, beauty, revelations, empowering moments and love.
I could not wish for anymore in my day.
I spoke to aqua man about it last night. We were chatting about our very similar upbringing, the dreams we had and what we would love to do if we didn’t have to worry about paying the bills.

I loved hearing his version of the last one. How far it is from his current day to day where he is so under pressure but the demands of life mean he has to continue on that road. But how amazing he would be at the job he would choose. He would be completely inspiring.
I hope he one day is able to go for it. All the untapped magic that is lost in the pursuit of having to just survive in the world we live in.
I often wonder what it would look like if all that magic was put where it belongs. I imagine it would be incredible.

I told aquaman how lucky I felt in having been able to find an opportunity to pursue something that feels so worthwhile and gives me so much happiness. The struggles that taught me more than I will ever learn on any course, any trip or listening to a so called expert. To do this makes all the struggles worth it. And will be the happy that fills that hole of sadness that I am sitting with today.

Just as a final thought, I had a complete u turn a week ago when I decided to continue working in one of the places I’ve been for a while. At least till Easter. I didn’t have to ask B twice.
Doesn’t pay much but when I think of a moment it gave me a couple of weeks ago, I knew I was in the right place.
I could see people in all sorts of places and perhaps charge big amounts of money, but the diversity of ordinary people with ordinary lives who have extraordinary and hidden qualities feels impossible to walk away from. They wouldn’t afford it outside of there. I feel their appreciation every Friday in their opportunity to try and find those buried qualities with someone else who is just like them.
I feel so happy In those quiet little moments when they find a little piece of magic that they forgot they had or when for once in their life they achieve something that makes them feel like a winner. It makes me feel like it’s time and care well spent.
In the same way I am looking to spend my time and care equally well in the real world.
Being around people who I love, care about and value so much and hopefully feel the same about me in just who I am and what I bring to their world.. in all my craziness, happiness and sadness, loving, kindness, genuineness, courage and uniqueness and fun.
You are the people who are irreplaceable to me. I hope I am to you too.

 

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