Gold Forever

Ever since I saw my own therapist on Monday it feels like it has affected me in such a negative way. It has fucked with my world big style.
Was that the purpose? It unravelled so many things that I was feeling happy in.
I feel overly sensitive to everything.
The timing of that letter today was the final straw.
He has had so many years to try and fix this. Only he hasn’t. He hasn’t even tried. Not made any effort. Why is that? His life has everything it needs without me in it? Life is better without me? He had new replacement kids when he was 65 having travelled all round the world with all the money he took. Who needs the originals anymore?
I’ve been through all of this.

My girl felt the effects of it all tonight when she laughed at the way I said something and it upset me in a way it never would.

Something about Monday has made me feel stupid. Like I’m a doormat. That being the way I am is like a silly naive and dreamy kid and I need to grow up and join the real world.
I remember everything but I don’t remember what was said in that room that made me feel like there is something wrong with the way I am. I’m fighting with myself and others to try and show myself that there isn’t anything wrong with me.
Only I’m questioning it and questioning it.
And reminding and reminding myself of what’s good.
I walked into that room feeling great and walked out feeling like I was rubbish.
And I have felt like that ever since.
Pulling up all that old stuff again that I felt resolved in and spinning it in a new way that has made me question everything about who I am.
It was like being hit by a truck and flattened and waking up feeling like I’m the stupidest person in the world.
Why am I such a loner?
Because I don’t fit? I Don’t want to fit. If I have to fit then I would rather be by myself. I don’t like people telling me what to do, how to think, how to be.
I like doing things in my own way. I don’t want to be managed. My own way makes me happy.
It has always made me happy even when bad stuff happens.
I’m comfortable in being how I am. Why do I have to be like everyone else?

I went and sat in the kitchen by myself thinking, I don’t think I’m made for this world.
All I can hear is other people telling me how stupid I am and how I am getting it wrong. Don’t say it like that, you should say it like this.
Maybe they are right.
But I am rebelling against it like a stroppy teenager.
Only it is making me so sad. Like I’m swimming in the middle of the ocean in shark infested waters and feeling like I don’t know how to escape.
That I just want to retreat into myself again and cut everyone off.
Feeling like noone gets it even my own therapist. What the hell happened in that room.
I feel like I want to run from everything and everyone and keep on running.
What am I running from?
Feeling like this?
I just want to feel happy again. Find my way back to happy without everyone telling me what that should look like.
To feel valued just as I am without having to be what I’m not. Why is that too much to ask?
Can I only be that by myself?
Why are you so forgiving?
Why do you say sorry whether it’s your fault or not?
Why don’t you feel angry with people?
Why do you have to be so reasonable with everything?
Why do you just accept things?
Why do you care so much?
Like a barrage of throwing all my supposed faults at me and watching me struggle to answer.
Leaving me feeling the opposite of what I am. That’s what normal people do.
They don’t get upset.
They come out of their corner fighting. Only I don’t really want to fight. I just want to float along happily. Be nice to people and them be nice to me. Really simple.
And in trying to be what I’m supposed to be, I’m just left feeling like a person that I don’t like very much.
But that’s the only way people will respect you. Otherwise you are just selling yourself short. Devaluing yourself. Not showing your worth.
FFS.
I just want a peaceful happy and fun little life doing the things I want to do with the people I want to be around. And be kind and caring.
What the hell is wrong with that.

As I walked off to the kitchen and sat on the counter looking out of the window at the night sky, my girl came out and cuddled me. She doesn’t give out cuddles willy nilly as she told me. She really doesn’t.
“I was only joking.
You know I love you how you are. You’re lovely”

“Only I don’t feel very lovely right now ” I said. “ I feel like I’m stupid.“

“you’re not stupid you’re just nice.
And anyone who doesn’t think so are the stupid ones.
Their loss not yours.
Because You’re lovely.”

And for a moment I felt like me again. I felt safe in being the fluffy girl who just sees all the good.

That’s the second time she has rescued me.

I carried on sitting in the quiet until a moment ago she wandered back in and said “ I thought of you today at dancing. They played gold forever and I remembered how we always used to dance round my bedroom to that”

OMG Yeah we so did 😊I just played it. Magic!
What a gift!!! Thanks my girl. xxx

 

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