The Brown Envelope

I received a letter today addressed to me in a brown envelope with a stamp mark that identified who it was from.
The Isle of Man. There is only one person I know who lives there.
I hesitated to open it and found inside a gift addressed to my girl from grandad J.

I have never restricted her contact with him. It has always felt the right thing to do. And for whatever reason he always sends her a birthday and Christmas card. Since she was born. But normally they are addressed to her.
He always writes a letter to her and she always writes back to say Thankyou.
I never ask what is in each. It is their relationship and I am glad she has that. It would feel wrong for me to have any influence in that area.

She has only once ever asked me if it is ok for her to write back to him and I said that I am glad she shares that special relationship. To treasure it.
I am always glad that he places value on her being in this world.
I am sure there are those that would say that in placing value on her it reflects his value on me. Perhaps!
But it doesn’t change the fact that he is unable to show that directly. Guilt? Fear? Sadness? Who knows the reason that he is unable to say what hides behind a brown envelope with my name on it.
Having received my letter, was it addressed to me to remind me that he is out there in the world? That he has thought of me. That it is his best attempt at being able to respond to what he was unable to respond to.
I’m not sure ..but his timing was impeccable.
And if it were his intention he succeeded and I am thinking about him today. Thinking of all the precious moments of my life that he has missed.
Wondering what he was thinking as he addressed that brown envelope to me.
It will float away tomorrow. I have given every single part of my self to that, sent him all the love I could.

But A brown envelope with my name on it.
It’s not enough. I can’t live a life waiting for a random brown envelope to arrive that makes me think of him but is completely empty beyond that.  I care. Of course I care. I love him. That will never ever change.
I am who I am. And I’m glad I love him. And I’m glad that he knows that.
But I am so much more than he is capable of being.

And that Is fine. I took me a long time but I have accepted that and it doesn’t hurt anymore.
But in this little moment he has my thought. Even if he doesn’t know it. He has it.

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