Here’s a theory. Be nice to me and I will do anything for you. Treat me like I don’t matter…. then move along.
Last night my girl was a little diamond. We always just tick along happily. You know. She’s a normal girl. Has the odd moan up. But she is also very emotionally intelligent. Always has been. She’s a quietly strong character. Has a real conviction in her beliefs and doesn’t like people who pick on others. She will put herself in between, and for someone so small you wouldn’t want to take her on. She has a bit of my sister in her. She will effortlessly take you down if you try to give it the biggun and ride roughshod over others.
She is always telling me I should do the opposite of what I do. Don’t let people treat you like that. Don’t make excuses for them.
But last night she said to me. Mum I wish I was more like you.
I’m glad she isn’t but it was lovely to hear as she sat and brushed my hair like she used to when she was little.
She has seen how hard I am trying in a lot of different things and I feel her appreciation. She also sees how hurt I feel by others sometimes. I can talk to her about stuff. Apart from my special few I can tell she doesn’t have the time of day for quite a few of the people I talk about.
I’m sorry mum but they just sound like complete arseholes.
If I am fluffy and forgiving, she is as straight as they come won’t take no shit.
But we do have a shared love of Merlin. Not least because she likes Arthur and I like Lancelot and we both think Merlin is cute.
I obviously have always loved any sort of myth and this one in particular is all about loyalty and honour.
People are willing to die for what they believe in.
What a thought.
Started thinking about it in the modern day world.
I often think there is a lack of real conviction in any sort of beliefs these days other than it’s all about MEEEEEE!!!!
I went to bed last night thinking about loyalty and trust and how important that is to me.
Only to have to put up with P when he came back from the pub and drunkenly had a go at me. I just rolled over and went to sleep.
I bet Guinevere didn’t have to put up with that shit.
Earlier in the day we had been for the nicest walk in the forest. Sausage Sani at the teahut, interesting conversation and he told me about the homeless girl he shared his 15 quid scratch lottery win with.
And then the rich bloke who tried to push in front of some kids getting in his cab. I’ll give you more money driver. “Keep yer money mate. Get in kids”.
I laughed. He is certainly not a man to bought by some arrogant fella with a fat wallet.
All reminders for me in what a very beautiful heart he has.
That heart that is hidden from the many is what I originally fell in love with. All the other stuff is superficial nonsense. He is a person who really cares and that is what I always loved. When he didn’t I was nowhere to be seen and coming home drunk and angry will certainly not encourage me to go beyond helping a friend. I feel a lot of love for him but I’m not interested in putting up with that shit. I’ve got better stuff to do.
I woke up this morning feeling good.
No I’m not scared.
The opposite actually Completely fearless.
I will travel through life looking out for those people I really love.
If I feel like they care about me too then I would walk to the ends of the earth for them.
It’s a two way street.
But if they don’t then they can float away on a cloud to nowhere. There is no loss in people who don’t care.
Some people are happier living their life in the superficial. Nothing wrong with that. But there are people much more suited to them and they aren’t me.
But I will always fight for it. If I think they care a little then I will try a little harder for them. I always try for the people I really care about even if it appears to others like someone who isn’t worth caring about. I have my own version of what worth looks like.
But I also am very aware of my own worth and if you can’t see it then I’m happier on my own.
I have complete trust in L, M, K and S. And my girl too.
There’s some strength and power in that group of women.
I never throw people away. If I love them I will try my hardest for them forever.
But that doesn’t mean I will just put up with anything. And I’m making that very clear.
I’ve reset my limits on what feels acceptable for me now. I might lose a few on the back of it. But for those that respect them, they will have my loyalty and love for always.
Loyalty trust and genuine care. That is exactly where I am at now.
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.