There are times in life that you have to be brave and try and follow a path that you swerved but you know can’t be avoided forever. You have to walk down it. I’m walking.
I wasn’t strong enough to walk it before. It feels difficult and it is fraught with challenges that I’m not sure if I can overcome. It requires me to be patient, understanding, loyal, and caring and to put my own needs aside. To be unselfish.
What I need now is a clean slate where all that came before can be left behind and a blank canvas can be painted.
Do I love enough, care enough, feel brave enough? I don’t know.
I hope so. I want to be.
But if I don’t try then I will feel like I have spent my whole life running.
Running from what I should have faced three years ago.
He is hurting so much and he trusts me. He always trusted me and I let him down.
Every time he opens up a little more he gets a little less angry. But I am getting good at dealing with it and I hope eventually that he will no longer need that angry and I will get back the person who was once the sweetest person in the whole world.
If I’m gonna use everything I have learnt for good then this is the place to do it but I have to be in it. Really in it. And I have to be in it by myself.
Tonight, Inside I feel choked up to the core. I wonder if I had been able to carry on that other path where it might have taken me. Maybe both paths will eventually lead to the same place.
But it does not take away the sadness that I feel right now.
Reminding myself of the most beautiful of moments that I will carry with me and will always be held in such a special place by me.
Rather than squashing them down I will think of them whenever I struggle.
They are part of my life and they meant something to me. And gave me a moment where all my magic was seen. I love that. I love that I had a moment where that magic was seen.
It feels like I am rewinding time and starting again.
Whatever happens I know that I will feel proud in trying. Who knows. Maybe it will all be wonderful. I hope so. If the universe really is with me then I ask that they send me a helping hand that paves an easier route to a beautiful place.
I hope those that I leave behind find their happiness too. In a way that they hope for.
I wish it with all my heart.
And that perhaps they might think of me in moments I will never know about but come from a place of love not hate.
Because I always came from a place of Love ❤️