As I sit on the train to Birmingham I looked out of the window and saw the most incredible sky.
One of the most beautiful skies I ever saw. A Deep and Intense sky of reddish pink and purple blue. Like a gorgeous and luxurious throw that enveloped the world in its rich warmth. It took my breath away in being there this morning. A sky that was so visible against the dark shadows of the trees and houses. That said forget what sits below, here I am in all my glory.
I feel such a sense of calm and peace this morning. Something I haven’t felt for a long time.
As P checked to see if I made my train I pledged what I will try and be. What I will try and bring to his world. What I might fail in often but the will is there to keep trying. whether it is trying to be someone that he can share fun with or trying to be a best friend who cares how he feels in his sadness and struggles.
He said he will try and do the same.
You can’t really promise any more than that. To try. Its all about just trying, and if you feel like you’ve done that then no one can ask for more.
I feel a sadness that is sitting underneath. I think I may have to hear it for a while until over time it will become something different. My need to disappear from someone who has rocked my world in ways that I could never have imagined. In good ways and bad but that without would have left me all the poorer in their absence. If I believe in fate then that lightning bolt is proof. He is treasured in a way that he doesn’t really understand. Perhaps he will as he moves through life and builds relationships where you have to give everything of who you are. I’m not sure he has experienced that yet. I hope he does.
Because as much as it can hurt you, the feeling of giving yourself to someone else is the most beautiful feeling of all.
I felt sad that he didn’t ask me to take care also. Perhaps he thought it. Or perhaps he is annoyed with me, or perhaps he didn’t give it a second thought.
To be left with that.. well I guess that’s part of my sadness.
But it won’t stop me from loving him anyways from afar. I always will. Because I saw a part of him that was the most beautiful part but perhaps is the part he likes least. That he sees a weakness. When in fact in my eyes it was his biggest strength.
As he searches for more I hope that he finds that simple part of who he was before he became more. The part that feels difficult to live with but is so incredibly magical and human.
To touch someone’s life in a way where it was felt at the very deepest level, in a way that they can never be replaced or will fade or be thought of any less feels like a pretty incredible way to touch a persons life. And I Thank him for that.
I hope someone does that for him.
Because this morning I am left with a feeling of being lucky. Lucky to have known him , have spent some precious time with him and felt all the magic with him.
What an amazing gift he has been in my life. The perfect dreamy gift.
So let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start….