The only person who can ever really know what your heart holds is yourself.
I am in a good place. I’m just living.
Taking every little bit of happiness I can find as I move along in my new musical.
I found my way home. Less clicking my heels 3 times and more falling arse over tit in a crazy twister. But home I Am and I have been totally climbing every mountain. But finding I have more and more confidence in me. Something I was reminded of when K suggested we might go to a sing a long a sound of music.
An immediate yes on that. Two favs in one day. She’s practically been my mother superior in her holding my hand in my struggles (Although I think she is a little more Maria too) and to sing along to tunes that were wrapped up in my childhood was something not to miss as Christmas approached.
Ovs in true Maria style, day dreaming somewhere in the hills, I didn’t check the venue and found myself running late at the wrong venue in Leicester Square as K waited with a glass of wine at the BFI southbank with a couple of nuns and a drag queen.
Run forest run she said. So minus my guitar I spun down the road past Trafalgar Square towards the Embankment. Running across Waterloo bridge with my hat falling off my head and finally arrived a little late but just in time to look completely dishevelled and almost spilling my wine everywhere.
Oh yes let’s start at the very beginning.
This musical was my little big moment when I was a kid at primary school. I watched it many times with my Gran at Christmas. She who so wanted me to be a good catholic girl. I think perhaps I was always a good girl but with a helping of cheeky bad. No big changes in that. But the catholic thing never quite fitted with me and when all the kids carried on to the highly sought after follow on catholic school I didn’t want none of it and went to the comprehensive up the road. I think it was all the rules that put me off which all seemed a bit judgy.
But singing in the mountains appealed to me. Still does.
When I decided to put my own version together in my last year at primary school it was my moment to feel seen. Having been a stable animal in every nativity, I upgraded overnight in giving myself the main part and then auditioning X factor style for the others. I was a one man band.. props, costumes, stage manager, director and as programme creator my name featured everywhere in my epic production. It was all about MEEEEE!!!!
I eventually got told off when I invited all the parents along without asking anyone. But as I explained, they did all have tickets ..that I of course had made and distributed.
The only people who weren’t there that day were my mum and dad. My mum was working in the restaurant and couldn’t come. But I knew she would have felt proud of me. And I was happy in my little big moment.
The afternoon with K did not disappoint. Love a sing song. And we both laughed alot. Thankyou for the shout out!
Today was my last day at work until 7 Jan. A Christmas afternoon At the pub with everyone which was fun.
But I could see aquaman looking sad. I didn’t know why?
He shared his thoughts when we were outside and it found us chatting about the difficulty in trying to become more. He is a truly lovely person, proper old school east end and added to that has old style classy in his manners and his beliefs. Looking out for others will always be his way.
But in trying to become more he also has been met with difficulty .. leaving lots of feelings of guilt. Selfish! That word again. When you try and do what you want. It made me think all the way home. That other little big moment that made me leave the pub early as I have a whole packed day of clients tomorrow and have extended my day so I can see them all. They just want someone to listen to them before they hit those “happy holidays”.
That time of year that is wonderful when life is wonderful but can feel a little more tricky when things feel less so.
I needed that support for a couple of years and am so happy to try and give it back out. It won’t change it, I wish I had a magic wand that could, but at least it provides a person to listen, who cares and reminds them that it’s ok to not feel full of Christmas joy despite all the pressure of living perfect.
Aquaman tries his best to do the “right thing”. All the time. He grew up like me. Its like the core of how you are made. To not be that at times so you can have a share of what you would like is like telling you not to be you. I totally get it. And if you try and assert that change then all the good work in what came before is lost in trying to do things differently. You’re still selfish despite all the times that you were not. Doing things for others.. well it’s just a given.. It’s one thing trying to change things but when others don’t with you it can create all sorts of troubles. Been there. and probably went to the whole other end of the spectrum. The programme that was all about Meeee!!!!
Oh the guilt. Oh the continual feelings of being selfish.
And yet neither of us are selfish people.
We were talking about all those theories that we understand. That drama triangle gets on my nerves. It simplifies it all so beautifully and yet doesn’t take into account the intricacies of how we are individually made and the fact that we are humans with feeling and not perfect. Easy to tell others where they are getting it wrong but much harder to apply it to ourselves. We get it!!! And it doesn’t stop those feelings when you care.
And then I felt bad for being similar with a friend who is also trying to do exactly that. Be more. Assert his need to be who he wants to be and do what he wants to do. What can I say, I’m human too. Trying to do the same. Not perfect, trying my best. Getting it right and getting it wrong. But always trying to do what is right for me whilst caring about them too. I would like us both to be happy if that is possible. A little compromise is always required in relationships. How strong is that relationship. Can it be tested?
I’m definitely working my way to that balance in all of my relationships and that is feeling like a good place to be.
The funny thing about this job I fell into is that it’s easier to understand when you’ve been on that journey. Less easy when you haven’t. I’m so aware of that and trying to make allowances.
I have learnt so much in the chaos of the past 6 months with my favourite revelation being it’s ok that I get it right and wrong. Because I care and I try. I do my best. I’m a pretty ok person by all accounts and if people really know me and care about me then they will know that .. and it will always be ok.
Because they want me to be happy as much as I do for them.
Im finding the balance of self and others which is making me reconnect to people more and more.
I can’t promise to be perfect but what I can promise to those I love is that I will absolutely always try and I absolutely always care.
Sometimes I will get it right and sometimes I will get it wrong and sometimes, so will you.
But if that is ok then I guarantee we will be.
Sharing this one with you K. Wise words indeed.