The secrets of my heart and soul

Every now and then I have moments when I think. And I am lost in a moment of more. I have a moment of memory. And sometimes it makes me laugh and smile inside and sometimes it makes me sad. Just for a moment. Such beauty in a life that can leave me wanting to revisit those moments again. Just so I can feel them twice.
And then life continues on in everything it brings.
I feel lucky.
When I chatted to L yesterday I shared with her my feelings of being safe. How important that is for me and others. She told me she knew that.
And how important it is for me to follow the path I chose when I was little.
Seeing others happiness has always been important for me. More important actually than my own although I find so much happiness in that very thing.
I took a moment all of my own. It is held so preciously. It was the one time in my life that I have ever done that beyond everyone else’s.
I feel guilty for it. I think I always will. But I don’t regret it. I feel like I should but I never will. It feels so special for me. It is so deeply rooted in me that my soul soars at the thought that I had that moment. And no one can ever take it from me. It is treasured in ways that nooone will ever really know or understand. A secret of my heart and soul that will carry me through all life brings my way.
To see others happiness and feel like their life is better with or without me feels how it should be. I was told on Christmas morning by P how wonderful their world looks with me in it. What a lovely thing to be told.
I am trying so hard to give that. And in return I feel safe in being who I am on that most basic level. A person who loves and cares.
I don’t think I could live a lifetime of my selfish happiness in seeing those I care about not.
My girl is skipping. It feels like the magic came back into her world and never have I felt so loved by her as I do.
In being what I should I feel like there is happiness that extends far beyond myself.
I wished for more.
I found it in different ways that are difficult to describe.
One of which holds a big part of my heart that resides somewhere out there in the world.
I can pretend or cover it or try to push it to a place where I will forget. Or I can deny it as though it doesn’t exist.
But in reality it sits inside me and calls out my name in moments of thought saying you need to see this.
And I’m glad. Even in those moments that I feel happy and sad I am reminded how lovely it was to show the parts of me that are so very often hidden and live life in isolation but are my favourite parts of how I am made. The parts that are so me but can’t find a place to exist in the real world. They don’t fit in the real world. But they do live so magically in my dreams.
So I remember a moment when they lived in both…

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