It’s 3 days into 2020 and I’m continuing to take each day like it is special.
That’s how I’m living now. No big plans. No working out what the future holds. Just trying to be happy and make others happy in each moment I’m in. That is working for me.
This is it. Every day. And every day I will be what I will be. Hopefully the best version I can be. But as I’ve said so often, I’m not perfect. I mess up but the only thing to do is just move on. I can’t change things after they happen but I can try harder to do better and try not be so hard on myself.
I’ve never liked New Years Eve.
I love a party but this one always feels so forced and as though you hit a new year and everything starts brand new.
In fact it’s all brand new every morning I wake up.
Life is precious and every new day is a chance for something wonderful even if it’s the most simple and inconsequential things.
I find more and more how it is the simple things that make me smile the most in life.
They are the moments I remember and others forget. It could be a gesture, or a look or a line that was said. Whatever it is, it stays with me and makes me smile long after that moment. Simple is so beautiful.
Having stepped into the lions den on New Year’s Eve I found myself judged by the man who encouraged P to invest all that money that was lost. I can’t blame him. P made that choice that put us in that position last year. But he questioned me “would you even be here if it wasn’t for the money?” Spoken like a clueless millionaire.
I stood tall. I’ve known him a long time. We have history and I know him pretty well.
But he is in no position to sit in judgement.
Happy new year!!! I thought.
Next New Year’s Eve .. find a different venue. I stepped back into that old world for a moment of 2019 and stepped straight back out again in 2020.
And instead stepped in a direction of my choosing. More specifically the gym.
I’ve never been happier than dressed in a bikini swimming in a pool. Theres a very happy place.
So in very conformist style I joined a new gym with a pool. Most of the money I have for me each month is going to be invested in that. I don’t have much for nights out so I’m picking and choosing what I can afford with the people who I love and love me back. But the gym feels a good investment every month. I need my space and this year I want to take some care of my own wellbeing. I have neglected that in so many ways but it feels so important if I am going to work hard to achieve the things that will provide more choices and a better life.
I feel very motivated.
As I told that same person “I struggled to try and make a life, to get by, to feel like I was a good person, while trying to complete some very invasive study. But for the first time in life I feel like I’m good at something. Something where i feel really proud in what I am doing.
Feel free to judge me but only when you have lived a life of perfection and you can tell me what that looks like.”
So here I go. I will try lots of classes. Swim as many days as possible and bump into one of my angels in there every now and then. Our little changing rooms crossover made me really happy.
And when I am offered lovely opportunities of spending time doing fun things with my specials, And when I can afford them, I will say absolutely yes.
A trip to see Amelie at the theatre with my girl (her present to me on my birthday) a dirty dancing night (moulin rouge unavailable) courtesy of my old housemate G for Christmas. G said she is going as a watermelon and said I should go as a baby. We literally will be baby carrying a water melon (you need to know the film 😂 ) pub night with my angels
Hopefully a little Cuban dancing with K and S In Feb and seeing our rockstar friend play with his band in March.
It doesn’t look too shabby for a cheap and cheerful year full of promise of happy times. All surrounded by some hard work.
P said to me that he likes me more now I am more like the girl I used to be. I’ve never not been her but I am withholding the rest. Know your audience as they say. He is happier with just that version and I know how to be that.
But if I have a new year resolution… it’s not to lose myself. I struggled too hard to find her. She will come out in other moments with those that like being around the full and uncut version.
She mostly is a girl who comes with a smile in appreciation for all the lovely things that life gives but who also has a brain and is capable of anything if she puts her mind to it. And dreams and wishes like she owns the stars. .
But she can do it quietly.
Who knows what will find it’s way to me each day. There is magic everywhere.. but simple happy is where I’m at. And that simple is all I am needing to make me smile. Happy New Day!!! 😊