Jerry Hall was once quoted on the advice given to her by her mum
“It’s simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom”
Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad I thought but I do also make a mean Sunday roast.
Jerry said that she would pay someone to do the first two and take care of the bedroom part. Oh the relatability of a rock star and super model’s lifestyle but she’s not wrong.
My point is that having listened to my 28 year old female friend Last night, talk about the intricate details of a modern relationship and the importance of finding a lifelong mate who will share her mind and her intellect, I thought the reality of that does look somewhat different.
Longevity of that fairy tale being extended by financial security, no children and well, a rockstar and supermodel lifestyle. And even they fail in keeping that dream alive for happily ever after.
It’s not as easy as it sounds and I have 20 years of experience to give to this one.
I didn’t want to crush that most beautiful of illusions by telling her the basic fact that sex is a massive key to longevity in a romantic relationship and all the chat in the world won’t take care of paying the bills, putting out the rubbish bins and calling in the washing machine man when it packs up.
(A snippet of my day)
Oh the romance of a normal life. I don’t remember any fairy tale that included scrubbing floors, washing dirty socks and pants and cleaning the toilet.
Well Cinderella but she ended up moving into a castle and no one ever got to see what went on in there behind those closed doors further down the road.
In fact I remember a beautiful fairy tale princess who exuded charisma, humility, beauty inside and out but was probably one of the unhappiest women in the world with her Prince.
She was always in search of happiness which she gave to and found in others and her children .
I was reminded of her as I visited Paris on Thursday night with my girl. A Paris of my imagination that saw Elton John singing for a young dreamy girl who was inspired by another dreamer. They shared a dream of a more magical and beautiful world.
How it made me smile when we reached the interval and I went to get ice creams only to find a solitary mint choc chip that was so obviously meant for me.
It ever I have related to something that was given to me by another this would be it.
I had never seen Amelie until it was given to me as a gift. My girl commented after, that it was the perfect thing to take me to and she understood why I liked it so much.
“She’s as bonkers as you mum. “
“Thankyou!!!” I said. 😊
As we were travelling home I stopped to talk to a young homeless girl on the stairs of Victoria station. She looked the sane age as my girl and was like a weak and fragile little bird. She wished me a happy new year as I said goodbye to her with a little money to get something to eat. It upset me so much as I walked away with my girl. Nothing magic in that.
As I sat on the tube last night listening to the trials of a modern independent woman who will be leaving in a couple of months to try and build her career far away in another country, she also told me how alone she feels in all that independence and success and the trials of finding someone special in this modern era of dating.
It felt like the sweet shop that was open 24/7 where constant swiping could easily find a good fuck or going to the gym or a bar or club exactly the same. But anything beyond felt like a massive challenge. She listed all the girls she knew with broken hearts at seemingly finding their Princes only to find that he had several princesses on the back burner with many more available only a swipe away.
How glad I felt that I grew up in an era before that existed.
The double edged sword of changing times that sees a bigger world at your disposal but which can also make you very disposable.
Even my girl says to me
“I wish I had grown up when you did” . I remember saying the same thing to my mum.
The thing I do remember that I love from when I was younger is that meeting people back then was so much more natural and organic and you weren’t completing with something that was only one click away and might look like a more attractive option.
Being happy and confident in your own skin is one thing but the pressure to sustain some perfection when there is a queue of others who will happily take your place in a moment and provide a new version of those beautiful butterfly moments that you once shared is enough to make even the most self assured person feel the pressure, especially if they are looking to share a life with that person.
Although I guess a lot of people don’t subscribe to that notion now.
Happiness in the modern world is much more instant gratification. A whole generation of people that can have all their desires met with one click.
I mean who even needs to try harder or solve problems when you can just replace it just like that with something different or better.
For someone like me who always dreamed of the fairytale and wanted to be a mum it would have felt like a minefield of insecurity that I think would have kept me very much up on the shelf.
I just rocked up as me in all my weird and wonderful ways, chatting away to people I met and finding amongst those, boys that I was attracted to and liked and liked me back. I wasn’t perfectly groomed and ready to market myself to the masses. I was quiet and shy but very warm and friendly who laughed a lot and had fun.
I had my share of interested parties but I was very discerning and when I knew I knew.
I didn’t really require lots of dates for that. It was instant.
In fact I knew on that first date in the moment that he rang me and said “I need to take some prescription tablets to my grandad before I meet you. Is that ok? “
It was more than ok. You’re the one I thought. It told me everything I needed to know about a man I hardly knew.
Lightning bolts is where it sits for me. I’ve had that feeling twice in my life.
As I danced at my dirty dancing night in my girls little leather skirt that P hated but I wore anyways, I thought about what I imagined love to look like when I was younger. Well pretty much Patrick Swayze in his little cabin who walked to where I sat in the corner and said “nobody puts M in the corner”
i ended up dancing in one of the many gay bars in Leicester Square where the music and the surrounding company was completely wonderful and allowed me to be free to dance like I didn’t care and I found myself thinking how lucky I am.
When I asked P the other day what he needed from me he simply said “I just need you. I need to feel loved by you. So as much sex as you are up for would be great”.
I’m a physical shower of affection , that part feels easy and lovely.
When I told him that my need is to feel safe but I also need to feel free to just be everything I am and want to be he looked at me like I was talking in Russian.
My expectations for having it all in one person have been lowered and in doing that I am feeling really happy.
I do feel safe and I am asserting my freedom by doing the things I want to do but with consideration of P”s feelings too. I can compromise. The thing is, the more free I feel, the less I need it. I think he is getting it but it’s work in progress. And I like seeing him happy. It’s worth the effort.
But there is something in our evolution of age that means our needs and wants have also changed and evolved. And those needs have to be met somehow.. I realise every time I go out and about and do things that I want that those needs are met in other relationships and other places. And that’s ok. To be able to provide what is required in the real and also all the magic of dreamy is a big ask. I’m so much better at the dreamy than the real, but imagine what those bins would look like if I lived there all the time.
It’s those fundamentals that are the core of a relationship. If they aren’t met then anything beyond is meaningless.
So as I keep working my way through the challenges while having fun and being happy I will constantly remind myself that real fairy tales aren’t completely perfect and a little off the wall has always been more my way but every now and then, when you least expect it, you will find a bunch of beautiful flowers that look like they have been picked from the top of a mountain and are left for you when you wake up, to say how much you are loved ❤️