Do more of what makes you happy

Do more of what makes you happy!

When I went on my little epic trip to Milan on my own just before Christmas, just over a year ago, to see a pianist that I love, I was on a very different path.
I bought a plaque that said “do more of what makes you happy”.
It now hangs in my kitchen. I looked at it a moment ago as I was making another decision.
Something my friend said to me the other day “chasing your dreams” left be thinking. Along with “it makes me wonder what it is you truly need”.
I don’t think he realises sometimes how much his words resonate and sit with me long after they are said.
Perhaps because these are the questions I ask myself. I often think, the questions you ask of others are often the questions you ask yourself too.
He makes me think and that helps me. I am answering a lot of those questions as I am moving along and finding my way on the pathway that I have now chosen rather than being the one I crashed into.

Perhaps the universe got tired of me avoiding it and put me exactly where I needed to be so that I had to work it out.
I certainly am working it out and feeling happier with every little tiny little step I take.

When I was right in the middle of my previous study and my world crashed down around my ears, I kept on going. Something in me made me keep going. It felt important.
Important for so many different reasons.
So important that it created a whole lot of mess in the process.
And yet if I could go all the way back, I still would not change it. Why? Because I needed to take that journey. I needed to see it through in every possible way.
I think I would have spent a lifetime of resentment and what ifs if I hadn’t, but I also learnt so much about myself and others as I struggled through those challenges. And so did the people around me. More than perhaps they are even aware of.
And it is easy to forget sometimes in all those struggles and challenges, all the happiness I found in that too. Those really special moments that live inside me and I would certainly have missed if I had walked away. As well as connections with a couple that are valued so highly by me and were formed because of and in spite of all that surrounded it. The feelings that came with that were wonderful and painful but again I would not change. If I look to remember some truly magical and special moments in my life I do not have to look much further than those. They hold a real and genuine and beautiful affection that will stand the test of time in what it feels like to truly follow your heart. You saw my heart at its most open and genuine.

As I struggled to find the time and motivation for another essay on a subject I have no interest in I found myself wondering.. why am I doing this? Actually it isn’t my dream. It never was. I don’t really care about this at all.
It’s never been my dream to be successful and highly paid in something that doesn’t really interest me. It’s a means to an end. In this case a better paid job. But having spoken to black panther the other day, who is in exactly the sane place i found myself in a few years back, having been through a very similar life experience, it has made me question my choices. He is questioning why he is doing the same job that I am studying to do and thinking.. “ I would rather retrain to be a yoga instructor” (very left field but I totally got it)
So I asked myself that sane question. What exactly am I doing this for?

We need more money. Of that I am sure. But this doesn’t feel like the answer. When I agreed to it I was on a different path. By myself and trying to work out how to feel financially secure in that. I had time to give to it. I had zero interest in romantic relationships with new randoms. As that same friend who judged me on New Year’s Eve also said .. if you two can’t make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us.
He has known me as long as I have known P. He knows what our life has looked liked through those 20 odd years and who we were together. He told me once that he was jealous of what we had. It’s special. You can tell that you just really love each other. I don’t think anything could break you two because you are happy even with nothing. Turns out life did break us. We weren’t invincible even though we had always said to each other “it’s you and me against the world”. The world caught up with us.
This friend was always my biggest fan. I think it’s why it hurt when he judged me. i think he was less disappointed in me and more in his own life.
P said to me the other day “I never gave up on you finding your way back to me. We are meant for each other.”
I’m slightly digressing but it is all relevant in different ways.

I am in a place where I want to try and give what I couldn’t a few years back. I’m finally able to accept that life in all its beautiful moments moves on and so do others. And that is how it should be. Although the people I love I hope will always still be somewhere in the mix. It’s difficult to completely let go of what is rare and beautiful and difficult to find. They make a difference to my world.
But I’m looking to put my efforts back into “us” rather than “me”.
And there is investment of yourself and time that is required in that.
I want to do things that benefit us. The things that will make our life nicer and happier. For sure worrying less about money by having enough is needed. I want to take that pressure off P. It is weighing him down and I want to see him flourish. He is a lovely person with so many beautiful qualities that are hidden behind responsibility. He deserves a helping hand . And for my girl too, who is the sweetest and kindest and funniest 18 year old you could hope to meet. Like a person from a time gone by who also struggles in this modern world. She got a whole lot of crap off friends yesterday for taking herself off social media. “I’m fed up with it” she said. “It’s all false and it just makes me feel bad about myself”.
Does anyone truly love social media?

Anyways to get to the point.. I don’t want to spend another year of my life putting time and effort into something that I don’t really care about. Simple happy has been the biggest learning lesson for me in the last 6 months. A reminder that through my whole life I’ve always found happiness in the simplest things.
I don’t care about the flash stuff. Big houses, nice motors, designer labels. It’s all bullshit.
I would like to travel a little. I would like to capture smiles on film wherever I go.
Of course these things cost money.
I would like to spend more time writing. I would like to spend more time seeing clients. I Would like to spend more time in the company of those friends that are special to me and I love and have fun with them, and help them and share experiences with them and hear about all the wonderful or difficult things that are happening in their worlds,
I would like to be more involved in things that bother me in this world.. homelessness, young people who are struggling, fighting for better for those young kids who are losing their lives in our rich city and others around the country but whose names never reach our awareness because they are invisible behind the bright lights of celebrity and all that political game playing.
Makes me sad and mad when I think of how we don’t even blink when another young black kid is killed. When did that become acceptable and part of life.
Pull your finger out politicians, those of influence, and everyone who pretends it’s not their responsibility. It’s all of our responsibility. Something needs to change because actually It’s not acceptable.
And mostly I want to spend more time taking more care of my family. Being there for them when they need me. Doing things that make them happy. Working hard to try and make their lives better. Having fun and showing love.

Because the dream I am chasing  is just for myself and others to be happy. Within the confines of whatever life looks like. I don’t need perfect. And taking each day as special is making every day exactly that.  I like living this way. You can live a whole life in just a day.

But I can’t do all these things if I’m off doing stuff I’m not bothered about. So I’m not going to. I feel a little worried about telling them that I want to drop out of that study programme. I need my job especially right now. But I also need to be brave in this mission of happiness. One life .. which goes by so fast.. So I’m making a choice.
And that choice is to do more of the things that make me and others happy
That feels like a dream worth chasing ❤️

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