As I feel completely unburdened in finally not having to try and be more, my girl is feeling the pressure of trying to be everything and some. She has her first 3 hour university audition today. It doesn’t matter how much I tell her not to worry and how proud I am of her, whatever, it doesn’t help. She is in it not me.
As I felt oh so very light I could feel her heaviness this morning. The pressure we put on ourselves.
I spoke to my boss yesterday to discuss my decision in not wanting to continue that study .. and it was fine. They understand and are happy to support me in whatever I feel is best for me. As ever, I feel lucky. I made a good choice back then when I changed my job. Not realising that I would meet some pretty epically amazing suoerheroes who always have my back. God there is something so priceless and precious in people having your back. To find a band of brothers who are all about looking out for each other is nothing short of marvellous. I felt yet another weight lifted from me in another new day of lovely. If I seem crazy for living every day like it is my once in a lifetime chance, then check out my spring in my step and my smile. I can feel the sparkle in my own eyes. Everyone is smiling at me every where and I know it’s because I’m smiling at them. As I waited at the lights as I walked down Bishopsgate I looked across at the bus driver with all his passengers.
We locked eyes and smiled at each other. Lovely little insignificant moment of my day.
My smile doesn’t feel pretend, it’s not a show, it’s not a cover for sadness it’s a smile that says I just feel happy.
What a nice feeling that is.
I know others dream of being rich, or powerful, or being the best or having it all.
I am just dreaming of being happy.
And I can live that dream every day if I choose. It is a dream that can be completely real if I want it to be. I have everything I need.
I know what it looks and feels like and I feel really good in it.
It’s the sort of dream that is invisible to some. Don’t you need more of this or more of that?
As though what I have is probably nit enough.
But having lost my ability to love a person I had loved for half my life, I found it. I found that love and not only that, they love me back.
To love someone who loves you back in the simplest version of what that is. No bells and whistles. No I love you because… Just “I love you. Just because I do”
There’s my happy in a nutshell. And it has felt like the biggest struggle of my life to get back to it. I can’t fake love. I can’t tell someone I love them if I don’t. Others might be able to lie in love but I can’t.
And this love doesn’t come with any gloss or sparkle. There aren’t beautiful words being spoken in front of a sweeping backdrop with a rousing and emotional soundtrack in the background. It’s just exists in the flat. The flat that jack built where everything is falling apart but there is no money right now to fix any of it.
It reminds me of when I lived in the garage and P used to come and stay. And I would make a roast dinner in the microwave or when we when to Brighton and we couldn’t afford to stay in a hotel so we slept in the car outside of a club with everyone banging on the windows as they came out. Oi oi!!! Or when I went on the NY diet. I’d known him for a month and we bunked off work together and sat in the pub and decided, let’s go to New York. I wanted him to meet my friend G. I had no money so I used all my rent money and when I got back we had to club together to pay it. I had hardly anything left for food for the month. So I bought lots of packets of bourbons and custard creams, potatoes and cans of Heinz ravioli and when P stayed over we only had enough money to share a bag of chips.
But that trip to New York was bloody fantastic. It was so worth it.
Next weekend I will start to work on using my skills in a way that can help others but also provide a little more income to improve our lives. I only need enough. I’m not looking to cream it off others for my own gains. I know my worth but I know theirs too and everyone deserves someone to listen. I don’t wish to get rich from trying to provide a most basic and beautiful thing. simpleness suits me and makes me happy. It helps me not to miss all the smallest things that create the most pleasure. Time can’t be bought. You have to use it wisely. Not waste it. Enjoy every second of it whether that be when I’m swimming, or working, or walking around in the world or spending time with people I love or doing every other little thing I dream of.
Everyone’s dreams look different. Turns out that people that appear to have it all, with comforts of life that others can only dream of, still dream of something more. What do they dream of? A simple life? Love?
I read something this morning about the travesty’s of this world. The things that others are dealing with in their real. The real issues, the real sadness, the real injustices. The stuff that we see when we switch on the news and is in our consciousness for a moment until we think of all our own little first world problems
My girl always says to me “I don’t know how you do what you do. Listening to all those people moaning about their problems. We all have problems. I’d have to tell them to get a grip and get on with it”
Yep I’m not sure she is quite made for my job in her very no nonsense straight forward way of saying it.
And yet in those moments that I have needed a little love and care she gave it out without question and in all her gentleness.
But perhaps we do all need to be kicked up the arse and told how lucky we are. I think I may have had mine. If we have a safe home to go back to every night then we are doing pretty ok. If we have some people who love and care about us then life isn’t so bad really, if we have freedom to make choices for ourself without fear then we are in a good place.
If I could provide the sort of security that would see my girl being safe long after I am gone I totally would.
Unfortunately there is probably very little to leave her as she forges ahead in her adult life. But what she does have is all the things I have shared with her through my life. All the versions of living a life and getting it right and getting it wrong. And that even without anything you can follow dreams and find happiness. Sometimes we need the struggles, the battles, the disappointments, the hurts and the sadness to really appreciate every tiny little thing that we have and take for granted every day.
As I stand tucked away at the side of the street writing, my girl just messaged me to say it went really well. “When I sang 42nd street I just went for it” she said.
A moment later
a lady walked past and handed me a leaflet
“ I am come that you might have life, and might have it more abundantly”. I’m not religious but I felt it on some spiritual level that I believe in and left me to sign off with What a magical life this really is.