Yesterday I had some good fortune. Fortune I’m not sure I deserve although I have worked so hard in so many different ways. I’ve really tried my best.
When a complaint was put forward I wasn’t really interested in being involved in that.
I had reached my limit in it all and just wanted to step away from it.
I had my own reasons but I was respectful of others. I was just taking care of myself.
I couldn’t be part of it all anymore.. i don’t ever wish to be again. 1-1 or small groups I love but not in its entirety.
I lost more than money in that.
I was left feeling completely broken. Mentally exhausted, feeling completely paranoid in all the whisperings that I had felt at the time but was oblivious to in my naivety, questioning myself to the point of my own sanity.
Only once in my life when I was 19 have I ever felt so broken down. Different circumstances but my naivety and open heart being the reason then too. I was left feeling like I was nothing and that feeling of nothing saw me back then at 19 years old wanting to leave this world.
To say that out loud now feels easy. I have no shame in having felt like that. How easy it is to find yourself in a place where you feel like nothing. I was hurt by someone at such a young age, that was too much for me to know how to deal with. Inexperienced and insecure.
Being taken back to those feelings through that experience has taken me such a long time to get over. To feel like the person I am again. To feel like there’s nothing wrong with me and that I’m just a decent and nice person. A person who loves and believes in it with all my heart.
It left me really struggling.
I never felt so lost and alone. And having found my way through that and building a life again only to find myself crushed again by things that were out of my control over those last 6 months. I hadn’t had time to rebuild my strength and yet I found reserves. I had to fight my way through some more. But I did and I found more strength than I realised I even had and I also found my love. In short I found me. In everything I am.
It has changed me forever. I found the girl who loves life and I will never let anything or anyone make me feel like that ever again.
Because I am someone.
What my heart holds belongs to me. And I’m proud of it.
I might have many strange little ways but thats what makes me beautiful too. Always have been. I’ve never walked over anyone, kicked anyone when they are down, not cared how others feel, or hurt anyone intentionally. I might not be perfect and I might get things wrong but it all comes from a really good place. I have a good heart. A kind heart. something my mum reminded me of also yesterday when I shared my good fortune and checked in on her. Don’t ever change who you are M she said.
She’s not very well at the moment. I always worry about her as I couldn’t imagine for one second this world without her in it. She told me to always feel proud of who I am. A girl who really loves.
So in being included in the refund of some money from that experience at a point in my life where I had accepted everything that has been lost I felt no shame in receiving my equal share in that.
And it makes a huge difference to me.it gives me a chance to spend time with my two besties somewhere else.
I never have felt so excited about that. They are two of the loves of my life. I treasure them more than they can possibly know.
And also to spend a few days in the sunshine exploring with P. His choice of place and I’m happy to accompany him. It gave him something to look forward to. His dad isn’t well and we think hiding the extent of what that is. It is fuelling those fears that P holds deeply inside and makes him cry out in the night. I feel a need to take care of him. To love him. It goes beyond what we had. It feels steeped in vows (for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health) but there is love that sits beneath that. You invest in love you have to be prepared for it all. Not just the beautiful bits.
But I know how to capture beauty and this little trip will be a slice of that.
Because I love being happy. As I told someone special. Love is happiness. And you do have to be courageous in it. I love all the little tiny beautiful things that are making me smile and feel wonderful every single day, I love being around special people whose very existence makes this world/my world more wonderful I just bloody love being alive. Every single second of it .
But yesterday that little slice of good fortune provided some extra unexpected magic that is held with such appreciation and gratitude. I was happy without it but I’m gonna stretch it to the limits and make the most of every little bit of happiness I can pull from it.
I would be crazy not to.