Last night In the dark P silently cried into my arms. I felt the tears on his face. His body shaking , trying to hold back all the pain that he tries so hard to control. Coming out in more recent years in frustration and anger but with every day getting a little less visible in that way. But it is buried. Very deeply. It is just being managed right now. Managed by gentleness and love. He doesn’t want others explanations of cleverness in what and why he is feeling what he is struggling to feel. He just wants to feel loved. Simple as that. Nothing more nothing less. He is so alone in his pain and I’m trying to help him to feel less so.
He played me a piece of music as we lay in bed last night. “Listen to this. I think you will like it.” It was beautiful. It felt like it was from a bygone era when all you wanted and dreamed of could be captured so easily. It had a romance of what sits beyond real and lives in dreams. But life can grind people down where their eyes can no longer see and their ears can no longer hear.
Lost in pain and sadness and looking for love.
Trying to find easy happiness in plain sight because it is much harder to find it within, beneath all that darkness.
The music was from a movie he had watched in the morning. “It made me cry” he said. He finds it so difficult to express his emotions but finds himself feeling at home with the person who expresses too much emotion for the many.
Its no coincidence. I always find my way to the people who find it difficult to show love.
You don’t have to be a genius to know why that is. The dad who didnt know how to show love and the girl who was so loving and provided it for him by holding his hand.
I think it is why my language of love is physical. It is the easiest way to express it where no words are required and can be easily reciprocated.
It is provably one of the reasons that I love sex. Not in that way others enjoy it. With anyone and everyone who is up for it. Gratification of your own desires.
It has a deeper place for me. It is very much about showing love. About making that person feel loved, feel good, feel happy, feel free. And in turn hoping they wish to give the same to me.
It is when I feel at my most free in love with no limitations.
As he cried I wiped the tears away from his face. Stroked his hair. Kissed his cheek. Told him he was loved.
Until he fell asleep.
When I woke this morning it was early and just as he was leaving for the day
“I’m so sorry I hurt you M” he said.
This life is full of pain but I know how to hold it. I have become very good at holding others pain. I held it for another yesterday, feeling the numbness as she answered the questions of a life that held secrets of childhood pain and hurt. The pain and hurt which has followed her in all her choices as she has travelled along in life. Her path feels so very similar to mine. I’m such a believer in people arriving In your world when they are meant to. Our stories hold a lot of crossover although hers is on a whole other level in terms of traumatic experiences. I find it difficult to know how she has held all this for so long by herself and still functioned. Although I know how it works. Bury it so deeply as though it is doesn’t belong to you.
Only now we are opening it and I’m as scared as she is. Knowing the darkness and alone that is to come for her. Crying out for someone to see you but no one comes. I’m not sure I want to take her back to those feelings.
Will it even help her? What she feels is missing and is struggling with right now, is nothing in the pain of opening up something you have learnt to live with.
Perhaps ignorance is bliss.
Treading carefully and not throwing around clever is the way to do this. Like a minefield of danger. Perhaps in all my own experiences I know how to tread through this carefully in a way that won’t damage her in the process. Patience, love and understanding being the order of the day. I know how to be that.
I felt happy this morning as I am every morning now. A new day is possibilities and happiness in all its wonderful simplicity.
I have a busy day ahead but one I will enjoy in its every moment. From having my hair done, to walking in the forest with G and miss Lola and guest star gizmo. To supervision to swimming and then spending the evening alone watching the film that made P cry.
P and My girl are both out tonight. P is taking his dad who is struggling, to a classical music recital in London and my girl is accompanying her grandad. He had no one to go with so she said she would be his date.
One of my little regrets of life is not taking my gran to a violin recital which she would have so loved.
My relationship with her was always about my need for her love and she gave it in every way. I didn’t have to do anything. Even though she knew how much I loved her. I made her happy in her seeing me in those moments that made me really happy.
It was me at my most selfish. She provided that unconditional love I so needed.
There is something very important for me in that thought. In spending all my time giving out love it is very easy to find myself feeling empty.
I have learnt to give that to myself in different ways.. small insignificant ways that to others might seem like nothing but for me help me to see the magic of life and feel the love in being alive. That’s where I’m at right now.
But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel the need for and appreciate those moments when those people who matter to me give some of that love back. I’m not a limitless vessel of love who doesn’t need anything back. It can feel very draining to give it out and never get any love back. I never expect it but when it is given it means the absolute world to me.
I’m only human too.
Yesterday a friend said to me “what a treat your are. A rare and wonderful human being if ever I met one”.
What a lovely thing to be told. Words that made me feel visible and appreciated. It made me smile. Two way street is the best version of a relationship. Sometimes someone will give more but if it is always one sided then eventually it can become very exhausting and like being taken for granted.
I need so much less than I ever give out but little gestures of kindness, warmth, care and love make all the difference to me.
There feels something very special in what my girl and her grandad will share tonight . For him to feel special and important to her and not alone and for my girl a moment that she will treasure in time to come in knowing how happy she made him in sharing herself and her time. A piece of happiness that would have made J smile and feel proud.
Amongst all the love and the pain and the sadness is such exquisite beauty. Beauty that is impossible to quantify or describe. It isn’t noticed like the physical beauty that surrounds us everywhere and is revered so much.
It is much more subtle and hidden. Lost amongst all the rules we are supposed to follow. What is allowed and what is not. What has value and what does not.
I don’t give a shit about any of those stupid and ridiculous man made rules anymore. Love has no rules. It is felt how it is felt, it is shown how it is shown and I will never feel bad in giving it out in the ways that feel right for me.
No one owns my heart and I will use it in every way I can to show that love to people I love and people who might need it.
And others can judge me as they will because frankly, I just don’t care