Wide Awake

Tonight I watched two films as I ploughed through a pile of ironing that was overflowing from the arm chair. Trying to fit in all those chores amongst a busy life.
I actually quite like ironing. As I see the bundle of clothes diminish and replaced by a perfectly pressed pile of clothes neatly stacked for those respective people all the while surrounded by a little magic of stories that I can immerse myself in.

Having felt quite emotional last night as I drove home i needed to just swim. That pool is a bloody godsend and put me in the sauna after and I’ll just lie back in that warmth like I’m lying on a tropical beach.
I’ve had two comments now in being the smiley sauna girl 😊

I started another new day. Finding wonder in those smallest of things.. in this case ironing.
I was reminded last night how difficult this job can be. In all the cleverness that often I find more draining than my own clients. Qualifications being thrown into the ring along with theory piled up on top of more theory. I sometimes sit and listen and think, hello .. is there a human in there. I find it easier to connect and relate to my clients than a whole room full of counsellors. In fact other than the person Who trained me, the people I trained with and my supervisor I find it impossible to build any real and meaningful relationships with other counsellors.
I think if I were looking for a romantic partner the first question I would ask is “are you a counsellor?”
It would be an immediate deal breaker.
For me it would be like chips and gravy. Don’t do it.
But I guess for others it is the perfect combo.
Last night as I watched one counsellor being bombarded with a million different ways that she might stop her young client from taking her life I just looked at her and asked “Are you ok?” She broke down. What a fucking crazy and difficult job this is. All that pressure to be the difference when we are just mere humans as well. Not the perfect articles who have it all down in life. We fuck up and feel it just like everyone else. Giving you a label or a million pieces of paper saying how clever you are and how much you know does not provide all the answers for another person and it most certainly does not keep another person wanting to stay in this world if they are intent on wanting to leave it.
Fighting a losing battle and trying to protect herself. What a fine line that is. An exhausting line to walk and in that moment she showed how fine it is. The whole room fell into silence. Suddenly not a clever word in the house to solve that.
Other than a realisation that this job can be really bloody hard and we are just human too.
It made me think of my friend and how little I supported him in that. I was caught in surviving my own. I’m so sorry!

I found myself watching “Never been Kissed” followed by “Wonder”.
Could not have found two more perfect versions of what’s been on my mind over the last few days.
OMG “wonder”. I just love love loved it! On a new day it has rocketed in to an all time favourite for me. I found myself releasing all those thoughts that were sitting with me in all my sensitivity and left me calling my girl just to give her a very big and loving hug.
She is used to my random and she of course humoured me and took her pile of newly pressed clothes.
Why is it so hard to be everything we want to be to others?
If I could there are a million things I would do. But I know I’m trying my best and that has to be enough.

As I walked through the forest with P I was captivated by a makeshift tree house and wigwam hidden away in the trees. The dog that looked part Lion, part teddy bear and found myself wanting to steal.
I felt the rain soaking my hair as P talked.

Later I sat and listened to my girl sharing all sorts of random stuff that is important to her. I love those times when we are quietly on our own together. How I will miss this tine when she goes off to university but how much I wish for her happiness in all her adventures to come.
I will happily take any little moments I can in between her living her life to the full but I don’t feel that panic in her leaving. Because I love her so much I know I will feel happy in her happy.
That’s how love works for me. And knowing that she worries less with me being here for P eases her mind too.
She shouldn’t have to worry. Be a free little bird.

All the things that I have wished for that are out of my reach. All the love that I feel, that is hidden.
But today I have felt happy.
Simple peaceful happy.

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