Tough Love

My friend sent me a song a week or so ago. It made me very happy as I skipped along listening and watching Loved it!!!
It has been on repeat a lot.
One of the many little things that keep me UP.

I do feel lonely very often. It can be tough sometimes. I made a choice to help someone I love but it can be very easy in their sadness and frustration and constant moans and disillusion to lose sight of all my wonder. In those moments when I feel so lonely in it I catch myself and think of a lovely memory or smile at someone in the street and catch their smile back.
Less lonely.

I am probably the most romantic girl in the world. Whole heartedly believing in the power of love.
As that one day approaches next month when suddenly there are a million highly visible gestures of love, mine can get easily lost behind all their extravagance and sparkle.
Wishing that I too could be part of what that looks like.
I’m just a girl who wants to feel loved and romanced.

Last night in patience but frustration I gave out some tough love.
I’m here and I’m trying with everything I have to help someone I love and care about find their love of life.
I’m naturally a positive and happy person. I have had some moments of hopeless. I know what it looks like. But you have to dig deep and reach high to find it.
Find it in all those small and simple things that make you smile if only for a moment. If you keep looking you will find enough to make you smile all day long.
But you have to want to.
It’s the difference between living and existing.
Like those valentines flowers that will evenrually perish you can’t just rely on one thing or person to provide all the happiness in your life. It’s all down to you.
As I am standing in the tube a bag caught my eye. “Choose love”
Thankyou universe I saw it.

Sometimes as I watch people that look so in love I feel jealous which is just made from sad. I think I deserve that kind of love too.
I have felt that.
I know exactly what that feels like at its most wonderful.
Those butterfly’s, a leaping heart, swimming in the clouds. It’s so very beautiful. I could create that for a lifetime if someone else gave the same.

But I always live in hope that that part of my life isn’t over. I can’t complain though. I know what that looks and feels like. Its magic! The most magical feeling ever!

I told P that I can love him, I’ll be there for him, listen to him and do whatever I can to help him.
But I can’t make him happy. I can’t be the difference in him living life or existing in it. It’s down to him. He has to look for those things. He has to dig deep and reach high. I’ll do it with him but I can’t do it for him.
Of course it went down like a lead balloon.
“ Life is shit and you just have to get on with it”

Ok .. so Yeah life can be shit, and there is so much unfairness and there is lots of sad and bad stuff that happens And ?!!! …

What about all the good stuff. What about all the incredible little things that joined together can create something really wonderful.

I found myself thinking about when I was at college and I would walk in really happily in the morning. What an amazing opportunity. And I’d hear people moaning about no printed handouts, not enough essay guidance, questions and moans about PD and other PD, gripes about people being late and not having enough knowledge on this that and the other.
I remember in one tutorial my tutor said to me that he often looked across at me and i would be smiling and he would wonder what I was thinking.
I can tell you.. not a lot. I used to switch off for that part of the show and dream of something better. That’s what made me smile. I don’t sweat the little stuff. I don’t give a shit about it actually. Because we could spend a lifetime stressing and moaning about the little stuff and then we are dead.

There is a choice.
And I choose live not exist in whatever life looks like. Every time I hear a mindless moan about nothing I take myself off to somewhere lovely in my head.
I won’t be pulled down by someone else. Help them yes absolutely but I choose to be happy and happy I will be. Until the moments that something makes me really sad.

It can feel a lonely place to be at times. It’s always more wonderful being happy with someone else.

But .. when that day of love comes along next month I have decided that I will romance myself. I will treat myself to a little magic. Not sure what yet but it’s gonna be beautiful. Because yes I do deserve that and I don’t need someone else to provide that for me. I know exactly how to give it out in all its magical beauty but I also know how to give it to myself. And the beauty of that is only I can ever let myself down ❤️


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