I haven’t had any time to write this week. It’s been really busy but very lovely in all sorts of different ways.
I have been lucky enough to spend time this week with four people who I would consider my closest in life. My closest are quite random and perhaps would not really understand why they hold that place for me.
As a girl who is friendly with everyone and always tries to give to others, I’m aware of how small my circle of friends is. To others it would look as though I have lots of friends and yet I would see them more as acquaintances.
A friend to me is something so special, so treasured and gives meaning to my world.
I would always choose spending time in their company. Perhaps that’s why that circle of randoms is so small. I wouldn’t have time to give what I wish to friends if I was surrounded by many.
The many are for those odd occasions that I need to be part of the party. But usually I only need the party for a brief moment before I happily return to my more simple and quiet world.
It’s funny, I was very excited at the prospect of being part of a group where people who like the same music as me might be available as company in those moments I wish to just dance. I found that I’m holding back in joining because of the possible expectations in having to be available beyond those moments. I don’t have the time to give to that.
Because I would rather make that time for people that I love.
When I woke up on Saturday I felt like I was in need of a swim. I was in need of some quiet again.
I was on a 2 day training course in the week where two people paired up with me and I found them sharing difficulties they are having right now, and then another day delaying my departure from work to hear the difficulties and worries of someone I care about and who gives such a lot to others and then a full day of clients where ”I am all in”. Holding nothing of myself back.
I felt drained in being all the things that feel so important to me.
I sit somewhere in the middle of the scale in energy from others and energy from within. It’s a tight rope balancing act for me. Wanting to be around others and have fun but needing to retreat into myself so I can think and dream and recharge.
Movies are playing a role in inspiring me. A little like clients, the right movie seems to find its way to me in the right moment. I’m usually slightly behind in the cool movie of the moment. Going to the cinema is something I really love even though quite rare because of cost and lack of time. Escaping from the busyness and the pressures of this world to a lovely place of magic where you can be transported to another world, another life, another time and be immersed in what that is.
And yet even though it is something that I can happily do on my own there is always something so much more special for me in sharing that simple experience. I felt such huge affection and a need to cuddle and be cuddled when I watched a new film in the week.
The best movies find me feeling more than the story in front of me. It resonates on a level beyond their story and becomes a part of mine and others I love. They were the perfect friend to share it with and I felt it more in the quietness of sitting together, and giggles of kids and of looks and touches that was beyond a million words that could have been exchanged.
Last night I quietly sat and watched “The Green Book”.
Another new massive favourite for me which left me feeling all sorts of emotions. Special.
Watching a friendship grow and evolve between two people from different worlds who both benefited from those unique differences. Somewhere in amongst all their different versions of what their lives looked like they found something that bonded them by what they gave to each other.
When my girl walked through the door she said “oh look at you smiling. You obviously are loving this film”.
I did. I really really did. The realest version of a smile when I don’t have to hide how happy something makes me feel. It was beautiful and funny and so very real and human.
When they embraced at the door to his home there was something so wonderful in their different worlds coming together. They had changed each other. They learnt from each other and they genuinely cared about each other. The doc didn’t have to feel so alone anymore. He had a friend that he fitted with, despite not fitting.
And yet their differences were also similarities. How it warmed my heart.
Less about being compatible and more about a respect for the other person and a joy coming from someone else’s happiness. less about their own need but that of someone else’s and in that both their needs were met. They grew to care about each other beyond the confines of their own worlds and the conflicts of not fitting and not being accepted on both sides of the fence. They fitted because they didn’t.
I went to bed last night feeling so happy in the thought that there are friendships that can evolve in what I want to give to you rather than what can you get from me.
In this world where everything is on offer for your own happiness I am very often questioned by my therapist in my desire for someone else’s. Even my own girls dream coming true, of course had to be about me. And yet what I actually felt in that, was that my dream came true because my dream is just for her to be happy and follow her dreams. So much more joy from someone you love realising their dreams than from any of my own. I feel like that for the friends that I invest in. That small circle that mean so much to me. Why do they mean so much? I don’t know. They just have this intangible special that I can’t put my finger on that makes me happy in just knowing them.
But Perhaps there is also something in their effort in remaining in my world. Where I put in effort they reciprocate and it feels less about what they want from me and more about them wanting to give too. And yet with them I don’t need anything.
What a strange conundrum.
Not wanting something back feels quite rare in this world.
But whenever I feel that sort of care, it is appreciated beyond words at the very deepest level. That someone might see me as someone worth their time and effort is always less about the action and totally all about the thought.