I deleted the post below. I felt bad for feeling like this at the weekend. It was just a wobble. A moment where I was carrying so much that I felt too sad to find the bright. But when I reread it I realised it is part of what makes me human. The good and the bad and the ugly. I am all of those and proud in that. It’s what makes me real.
My girl messaged me today as she struggled. She completely froze in the middle of the room surrounded by other dancers. She knew it was all over within five minutes of beginning. She said to me “I could cry. I felt so embarrassed”
And yet she continued with the day..
Messaging every now and then for a little encouragement and love. She could have picked up her stuff and left but she pushed herself to keep trying.
What the hell. She had nothing to lose. She could just go for it, just as her, giving her best in everything she did and showing the uniqueness of who she is rather than competing with others.
It was a battle with herself.
And that has inspired the hell out of me.
Come what may it will be another of the many experiences of her life that she will draw on when life throws disappointments her way. She will remember how she felt and what she had to find to just keep trying.
I never felt prouder of the young woman she has become and as we discussed what we might have for dinner tonight I thought to myself, while you are still in it, still trying and finding more, then there is always hope.
Thank goodness for the brightness of the sun today. Lord Byron’s “She walks in Beauty was given to me on Friday by the man who finds it difficult to find words of love. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m walking at all, especially in Beauty. The weight of others lives sometimes squash me.
I entered a new persons world on Friday. I was scared to go there and for good reason. It is a world of no feeling. Like walking through a desolate land with debris scattered everywhere. It’s so dark and there is danger around every corner and with every footstep I take. I am walking along with someone who is oblivious to the danger.
All the feeling that has been suppressed through sheer trauma is like a volcano lying dormant and I have never stepped so slowly or carefully.
To hear it described through the expressionless face feels overwhelming. Like being locked in a room of horror and not being able to scream.
I cried at different points over the weekend. Trying to rid myself of things that no girl should ever witness or be part of.
And yet this beautiful young woman has love. Seen through the eyes of her children. When I thought I would feel nothing she cried for her child. Such a beautiful but minuscule moment of release in being able to feel connected to something in a way she has always wished for. Giving everything she needed but never felt.
There are moments of life I treasure. That was one. She looked at me with little girl eyes and I looked back with eyes of a mother.
I struggled to find the more required for P over the weekend. And this morning as he lay hungover and cursing himself for drunkenly having a go at a friend I realised that it may always be like this. That perhaps there will be no other side. That I have chosen to be there for someone who may always feel despair.
And I felt so sad in the thought of maybe never sharing again what was once so very beautiful.
Destined to walk a life with someone but feel nothing. That feels so difficult to accept but if I don’t I will torture myself for a lifetime with the hope of that.
I question often in what my motives are.
I feel responsible. I feel completely and utterly responsible for this person who I love and care about.
But I am feeling the pressure of it. Living one day at a time is working for me. It’s the only way that I am able to find my own happiness in amongst the sadness. I think I have huge resilience.
If my financial situation were different then I know it would look very different. I am a creature of circumstance. Those choices are limited in ways that other people wouldn’t necessarily understand. I’m not stupid. I have thought through the options many times but I always come back to the same place. It is the only choice when I think beyond just me. I need to think beyond just me. I can’t live a happy life without doing that. They are so intrinsically linked.
I had a moment where I didn’t. I risked everything in ways they can never imagine for a pure love that I felt. A risk that will impact the rest of my life and yet I hold onto that moment as though it were a dream.
But I have made the changes that I can. Doing the things that I want to do within my means and feeling no guilt in taking the time I require to look after myself.
Im sure I would feel better in taking care of P from afar. Sometimes it feels so difficult. But I have a love for him. We have a history together. We have a shared love in our girl who I can see is affected by what this is. I protect her as best I can from the sadness that sits in our home but I can’t stop her from feeling it too. I wish wish wish I could.
I question myself in what difference I make all the time but I believe I make some difference.
I lift things up a little so that things can function on a level where all is not lost. Those words given to me made me feel like I make a difference.
But I am paying a price in it. In moments that I allow myself to feel the disappointment in what my life might be.
I listen to others who have found their way through their difficulties and are feeling the hope of all those possibilities.
Who move on to new adventures, more exciting places and people with complete control over what their future might look like.
Who have the potential to share a beautiful and easy love that makes life so much easier to walk in.
I feel the opposite. Constantly digging and laying a path and pulling others I love along with me. Not wanting them to be swallowed up by disappointment and sadness till life has no purpose.
Sometimes like a little kid I feel like I would like someone to look after me. To say don’t worry about a thing, I will take care of it all. That is the safe that I remember once but I don’t feel now.
What I do feel safe in is not feeling disposable. Not feeling worthless and replaceable.
I’m not secure enough in myself to live in that.
I feel protected from that in where I now sit.
And yet in moments I leave myself completely open just so I can feel something more. I love that more. It is a magical place in the fluffiest of clouds where I feel completely me. The smallest things make the biggest differences to me.
Low maintenance or just very easily pleased?
I think just a girl who appreciates every wonderful thing that is ever given to her.
I watched the last ever episode of Merlin with my girl last night. We never saw it when she was a girl. It felt so sad as Merlin and Arthur spent Arthur’s dying moments together.
The servant who had to hide his magic from the King so that he could protect him. Just a kids show that made my girl happy but holds huge meaning for me in so many different ways especially when thinking about duty and destiny.
Whatever happens through my life as I push on in the challenges i face I will always feel proud in myself in trying my hardest and doing things in the best way I can. In trying to live a life that extends beyond just me.
Maybe my life will always appear less than others and I am sure many times I will feel that, but it will always mean more. And finding meaning in life is what we all search for .. or is that just me?!