Stay

I asked 3 different people what they needed today. They all replied “comfort; kindness,; love.
And they all talked of a very basic thing in life.
A hug. All that time of training. All the cleverness that flew across that room like a competition of who knew more. Who will be the best. It doesn’t really matter.

When it comes down to basics, all 3 of them, in feeling so very alone, just wanted a hug.
For one in particular I felt that need to be more desperate. A need for such a basic show of human affection that was completely unavailable in the real world.
Out of nowhere and having said she really needed to see me, and today being at her lowest point she ended our sessions. have seen her for over a year and during that time she has tried her hardest to make changes and find happiness. But I felt her exhaustion in trying. I gave that hug. I generally don’t but I caught a feeling today. One that I couldn’t confirm and therefore holds no weight despite probing in respect of her safety. I was met with no indication in what I was feeling being right. I hope it isn’t. But I felt lit, and did everything I could think of to keep her trying. If, as I felt so strongly, she was at that point of giving up I had nothing I could give her but that long and heartfelt hug. Of course I supplied all those reminders of suport numbers and told her to contact me if she needed to and reminded her of those loved ones she has previously mentioned but feels so disconnected from.
I didn’t want to let her go. I held on to that hug for longer than I should. I gave it for two reasons today. In case it might be the difference in making her feel cared about and to keep trying , or to make her feel cared about if she doesn’t.
How I hope she will try. I care about her very much. “You matter to me” I told her.
Someone tell me how to switch that off?
In the end I know it is a persons choice. I can try but I can’t change it. But this woman who is so very very lonely is also very wonderful in so many ways.
She is feeling surrounded by others that show her no kindness, love or comfort. In fact they completely exclude her. She’s not welcome in their clique.
And despite all her efforts in doing the right thing for those she loved, she finds that she has been left with nothing to show for all her endeavours. Having absolutely nothing.

This world shows no mercy to those that don’t play the game.
It begs the question. Is there in fact nothing wrong my clients or is it just that they don’t have the strength and resilience to survive in this very unforgiving, judgemental and often very unloving world.

I started a day in a life again but carried over some happiness from the day before.
What I have realised over the last week is somehow I always find my way to happiness even amongst challenges and struggles.
I am lucky. I have people who I love and who love me back. It makes a massive difference.
And I am completely open hearted to those I love. Nothing held back. I say it exactly like i feel it and I don’t care about looking stupid, or too much, or too sugary.
Because we are all just little kids underneath in grown up bodies. We pretend to be grown up by having sex and buying houses and driving cars and having jobs and making money and all the other stuff that means very little if you don’t feel loved.
Whether that be by partners, children,  family or friends. If there is love then it doesn’t matter in what form it comes in.
Because we are still just playing. Only the game of life is just so much harder. What is a winner or a loser. That very concept means very little in the end. Feeling loved in some form, knowing that someone will provide a hug if you need it is all that really matters. Because spending day after day feeling completely alone, hurts.

When I gave that hug today it was to say you are not alone and you are loved. Please stay!

Perhaps is we all do that there will be enough hugs to go round and make everyone feel loved. ❤️

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