Trying to deserve love

This is my last post in my red coat.
My feelings have been all over the place over the last two weeks. Feelings invoked by others lives and experiences and bravery. Hearing them revealing their deepest sadness and memories. My own memories of watching someone’s courage in their most vulnerable moment that will never leave my mind. An honesty of feeling that I have been too afraid to get to. Embarrassed to say it all out loud knowing how stupid and ridiculous it makes me. Like a stupid little girl caught in the world of grown ups and not being prepared for that.

Something about my night on Saturday with my angels cemented something really important for me.
Why was I feeling so high on life again. Financially I’m poorer than I’ve ever been, I’ve been working harder than I’ve ever worked and I’ve never struggled so much to try to help people I love and care about to find the way to happier places. As I take every little step on a brand new day, trying to make some good difference in the world, to repay all my bad, I feel like I need take back my feelings and lock them away again.
I felt high with my girls on Saturday because they know all the bad stuff about me but they still love me anyways. It makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Despite the fact that I don’t love myself at all. I could spend a lifetime trying to do good but it will never take away the guilt I feel in doing bad and hurting others I care about. It will never make me feel like the person I remember once being. Who was good and kind and always did the right thing. This girl is ugly and doesn’t deserve to be happy. And yet as I walked back from the pub I felt so happy. I felt so high on life. I felt so lucky. The luckiest girl in the world. A feeling I have often in moments and especially when I am with them. And I shared it with the person that I love.

Even though I have known for a long time that I am not a person loved by them. I knew it more recently in a moment I was told about a mirror version of where it started for me.
A replica version of the same experience. Finding closeness in another’s vulnerability. Another person with issues.
Becoming the dream against the real. Will she find herself feeling like me at some point. Wondering what is wrong with her. Not loving herself anymore either. I hope not.

My heart was completely open to them. Still is. Always will be. Whilst theirs is constantly looking for something for a moment until something new and better comes along.
Unfortunately I can’t just switch my feelings on and off. I know how I feel in matters of love. What a dangerous place to find myself in my biggest moment of vulnerability since being a little girl. Feeling completely out of control at that point in time.
A drunken moment but one that was fuelled by feelings that had sat with me when I had first walked through that door. A feeling I shared with my friend at the time. It took very little to find me in a place, so out of my depth, that would impact my life and the lives of others I love with such force that finding my way through this minefield to a place that feels completely safe is still ongoing.
I have to look at the destruction of that security that is of my making every single day but try to look beyond it and see all the beauty instead. It is my mission as soon as I open my eyes.
It’s not like others who care about me didn’t warn me. It’s not like he didn’t warm me. But of course I’m miss unconditional love.
I knew him. I saw more. I saw what sat underneath all that external charm. A beautiful person. A complicated person. A person that has so many wonderful qualities. A person that I see beyond all the smoke and mirrors. A persons who essence is what I love and warm to in all their complete differences. Beautiful inside and out and who I love more than I ever imagined possible.
Two people that know us both, on two different occasions in the last 2 months said to me “I always thought you two had something special”.
“We are just friends”. I said. What I wanted to say was “Yeah I thought it was something special too. Am I the archetypal fool in love”

Every person close to me told me; you are just another in a long line of girls that show up in a moment until you are no longer required.
I must look so stupid to them.I know I feel it everyday.
But I loved this person in a way that I never had previously and I couldn’t pretend. It felt wrong to just pretend. I couldn’t do what others do and have that bit on the side for a minute. I’m not made that way. Fairytale pure. It was all or nothing.
But I did know. Not long after that moment I went all in I realised that I became the nothing. And yet they carried on getting to know me. As I struggled with the life changing decision I made in the name of love and trying to do the right thing I found myself completely alone and swimming out at sea. Finding myself in the darkest of places that left me struggling to know who I was anymore.
You would think at that point I would have realised. And yet my heart was completely in charge. I knew what I felt. It’s not like I have that feeling every day. It was different. I say I had felt that lightning bolt before. That is a lie. I hadn’t. Only in that moment did I feel it and I knew what it was.
As I write this I know I must sound so stupid. I’m embarrassed to be made how I’m made. But this is what my heart looks like and I’m laying it completely bare. Laugh if you like. I don’t care. This is the heart that fuels me every day of my life. It’s how I’m made. How silly that must look to others. And yet This is who I am.
I need to be completely truthful in every possible way with myself. I’m desperately trying to forgive myself for all that I have got so very wrong. I’m not the only person who has been hurt in this. I can’t undo their hurt as hard as I try. But I am trying to undo my own otherwise it will eat me from the inside out.
You can run from yourself but you can never hide.

I know the realness of a love that is made of more.
Love that is more than a dreamy fantasy made of good times and happiness.
I saw it tonight when P”s dad came for dinner.
The man that was once full of “bunny” but now looks lost and broken. Lost without his love. The love that withstood all of those challenges that they faced through the years. Love that looked so ordinary in comparison to the glitter of others lives.
And yet that love was everything. It was the reason that made life worth living. A partnership that made all those sacrifices required to build a life together
Two sides of the same coin. Knowing each other’s faults but loving each other anyways. Safe in the knowledge that whatever life threw at them they always had each other. No one else would do.
I see and hear his guilt in having forgotten that in moments and wishing he could change it. I am seeing it in P in knowing that he can. I am seeing it in myself. Struggling to get to that place but trying. I could not ask for more right now than just to try.
In moments I remember beautiful times spent over the past few years but where I was always left feeling like there was always something better in a new place or a new moment. Where they felt completely safe with me, because what I felt was real and genuine and pure, I felt the opposite in not being anything special.
I knew I was nothing more than a passing interest. Just someone new. Before something newer and more interesting would become the new thing of the moment. Perhaps I was the equivalent of that new and interesting at one point.
I think in my moment of sadness I wasn’t prepared in being swept up in the easiness of what appeared so very beautiful. Maybe I would have been stronger and my good girl would have told me that I would be in way deeper than I could manage.
I couldn’t manage it.

But of course I couldn’t see beyond a person I had always imagined.
A love I had always imagined.
Love that conquers all. Love that is fought for. Love that makes you feel like there is no one else on the planet.
Love that matches the intensity of my feelings and is not scared of them.
I was prepared to be all of those. I know how to be that when I love. I was prepared to risk everything for it.
Like being under a spell.
Perhaps I never really had anything to compare it to. I’m not a girl that has spent a life playing the field I wondered if i was settling for less than I should.
That in not exuding that confidence in being strong, independent and loud that I was somehow accepting less. That in being the person that P placed all his anger and frustrations of life on made me weak and not as good as others.

And yet what I’ve found in trying harder is that I appreciate every little thing in life even more because it means something. it has so much more worth.
Those little things make my heart flutter and my soul soar.
Feeling like all my efforts and shows of love are appreciated beyond a passing fancy. They are treasured just because they are given by me.
And as hard as that feels sometimes in the moments that they are sad and frustrated, I know they are seen and felt. Like little bricks rebuilding a life that was broken. A life I feel responsible for breaking.
A life that exists in the real and is now filled with harsh realities that are felt on a practical level.
I don’t care for me. But I do care for them.

As I chatted on Saturday with my angels about all sorts of things I remembered how very wonderful my life has been. How lucky I have been. How many things I have done through the years that seemed out of my reach as a kid.
That despite the fact that I haven’t travelled the world or had lots of different men, or had a multitude of amazing experiences that make me a gold mine of intellectual chat, I have felt loved and happy. I would feel content that I had a wonderful life if I took my last breath today. Which means that every moment that follows is a beautiful bonus. A day in the life of, to be treasured in all its simple beauty.

What makes me bad? I fell in love. Dreamy love. I felt it at its most pure and basic level.
A love that is made of friendship. That has felt so special because it was the friend that I had always wished for.
But actually for me it was and will always be so much more. It will always feel like more to me. As hard as I try to pretend it wasn’t and isn’t, I know my own feelings. I would never have risked so much for less. It is a more that sits quietly and deeply in my heart. Kept in a really special place. Itlights up my smile in those moments they appear in my world. Sometimes I wish they didn’t. I wish I could disappear and not be reached. Life might feel so much easier that way. And yet in reality I don’t think it would. I think it would make me really sad.

I am living in the life I once chose. A life that I nearly lost. A life that is so much harder than it once was because of choices I made. I can blame none but myself. I have to live with that realisation every day and when I see how that affects others. It would feel easier if it only affected me. It is where my lack of love in myself now comes from.
But I have been given another chance. Because I am loved. Loved by someone who deserves so much better than me but who would do anything for me.
And those chances of being loved don’t come again unless they are made from real love.
I may never forgive myself for the choices I made but I have to live with them. Every single day. Perhaps one day I will feel like I deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy.
But until then I will keep trying to be good and hope that one day that will be enough.

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