I am finding It hard to hold all my own thoughts with nowhere to put them. I want to just hold them but I feel like a ticking time bomb that is ready to explode from the overwhelming distress and sadness of others. It is impacting on my ability to be able to see myself at all.
I have taken a week off work to give myself some space because there is no space at all for my own thoughts or feelings which are either being released or suppressed to create room for what I am struggling to hold and manage.
Feeling so unsupported in my job while carrying two very difficult fall outs from two very different people. Being told to self care isn’t really cutting it right now as I manage my feelings of “Did I do enough? Could I have done more?” and holding a series of traumatic events that would have felt so unimaginable for me in the past. They have been so graphically described that they feel unbearable to see in moments they crash into my mind.
I watched an old episode of “our girl” mine and my girls new replacement show to Merlin. Images from a tour that flashed into their minds as they are going about their civvy life . Finding themselves feeling so alone in what that looks like and feeling like no one will understand.
I remember having a conversation with superman in what that looks like. That is how I am feeling right now and scrabbling around trying to survive the effect it is having on me as I try to exist in my own world. I am finding it very difficult. Struggling like I haven’t before. Questioning my strength and resilience in doing this job and screaming inside in feeling others pain.
I have an outlet tonight. My own therapy which will feel like another session of supervision. I can feel the connections to my own version of disassociation. I need my own therapy as the cases that are finding their way to me are becoming ever more complex and difficult. I feel out of my depth in this and not being given the support I need and having to find it for myself which I am. I have felt like I’m going crazy. My own self worth feels at an all time low and cutting myself off from life feels the only way I can survive it.
I know that isn’t the answer but hoping J can support me in choices. Feeling like I want to walk away from it but aware of the damage in not “”trying harder”. A phrase that is spinning in my head right now. Feeling capable of being what is required but needing back up. But Once again feeling so very alone in a moment of need.
I am crying so much just as a way to release all I am holding which is providing some temporary relief. But leaves others I love wondering what the hell is wrong with me. P doesn’t know how to deal with it. I’m the rock and the place where happiness lives.
“ how about worrying more about us than a bunch of strangers”
Quite often I find myself wishing I was alone.
I would happily take a little anxiety or stress or depression or grief right now. That suddenly feels very easy.
I have this overwhelming urge to apologise for my very existence in this world. Saying sorry for everything I have ever got wrong. Feeling like I have to take responsibility for everything. Owning it all.
Even though the things I feel bad about are the only tine I ever feel like I’ve hurt anyone. And not intentionally. Once when I was at school and wanted to be accepted by the cool kids I barged into a girl with my school bag in the corridor because they didn’t like her. I still wasn’t accepted and on top of that I felt awful for what I did. When I was older I saw her on the platform going to work. I walked up and said sorry to her for being so mean. She remembered it. And said she did it to someone else.
How strange that to someone else I am looked at like I am a tower of strength, to hold the most awful of things. As I feel the horror of what they are telling me. I am also feeling the feelings that they are unable to feel. And they are being felt very deeply. I need to give them back but they are giving them to me because they are unable to hold them anymore, let alone feel them. To give them all back would feel like they were being hit by several trucks that I think would wipe them out. There is a reason they have disassociated themself from these traumas. A protection for them but one which I don’t have at this moment. For my own protection I need to be able to give them back.
Their pain has become mine and I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed by it.
It is hurting me.
My obsession with bees continued today as I took yet another 4 hour walk through the forest.
Swimming isn’t cutting it. But walking is helping.
Feeling completely removed from the world in the safety of an empty forest is a place I feel safe, feel calm and can breathe. Because in the middle of the forest, I can feel it without explaining it. I don’t have to worry about everyone else’s feelings. Crying behind my glasses as I started walking through those trees feeling the warmth of the sun coming through. Not having to share myself with another soul other than the odd person who passed and smiled at me. I found just enough to reciprocate.
The feeling of having absolutely no love for myself. Something I never felt a few weeks ago but is overtaking my very being right now.
I’ve tried to own my share of that. There are things in my own life that are making me sad right now. I have spun a simplified version of what that is with all the blame and responsibility sitting squarely with me. As though there were no reasons for any of my choices or feelings. Owning the whole lot as though I am the most horrible person in the world. The high I felt with my friends the other week was like an antidote for the poison that feels like it is rushing through my veins and making me feel I would like to quarantine myself so that I can’t infect another human with it.
Feeling so heavy and tired and In moments wondering whether I could remove myself from such a horrible world. Ans yet I know they don’t belong to me. But they are being felt by me. And it’s exhausting and painful.
How completely isolated I feel in this job and my own life right now. Trying to be the simple girl with huge complication sitting underneath.
The story of my life.
As Jack Nicholson said in a few good men .. “you can’t handle the truth.”
He’s right I can’t. Because I am a girl who creates a beautiful world and right now I am inhabiting the very opposite of that.
Having seen J tonight I feel a lot more supported. A mixture of therapy and supervision which I needed.
Finding some of me and sharing what sits underneath the water that no one wants to see.
The truth is I love the simple things of life. I’d rather be in the naturalness of the forest surrounded by trees than surrounded by people and all their artificial pleasures.
I am a girl who finds wonder in just looking at the sky each morning. Simple beauty and pleasures are what make me happy in life and I see them everywhere I go. I don’t have to do or be anywhere spectacular to get that feeling. Its the high of life. Just the few specials and the beauty of the simple things that surround me is all I need. A version of that shared by another this morning that made me feel connected to something that feels part of me. It’s all I need sometimes. That simpleness is what helps me to find my way to some kind of happiness no matter what life brings.
Just the simple beauty of being alive.
Never seen more than today in those forest trees. Feeling their life. Breathing in the oxygen they produce.
The simple things that make me skip along in happiness but always feeling so alone in that.
Because there is a difference. Loving the simple things does not make me simple. There lies the biggest conflict in myself. I have learnt how to be simple. Like the iceberg, very few want to be around the complicated version that lies underneath. I learnt that from a young age. Complicated fuels everything but simple is the easy facade that people like to be around. It makes others happy and looks after their needs and gives them the things they want. I can be around the many as the simple girl. She is me but all the easy parts that others know how to live with and deal with.
Whereas complicated is all of it. And it’s the biggest part. It is the whole lot. It holds the good, the bad and the ugly. But from experience I find it easier to exist in that part by myself. I learnt as a kid that she didn’t fit. All she ever did was make me feel very alone and rejected. So I keep her to myself. That way it is a choice.
I felt exactly the same when I found a moment when I thought I could show her. Only I got the same reaction as I did back then. When I was simple i fitted but when I started to show the complicated I found myself on the outside looking in. Feeling like I had nothing in common with the majority. feeling awkward. Feeling like perhaps there was something wrong with me. It made me prefer to go off by myself.
The thing is the complicated part is me. She is so much more colourful . She is imaginative and curious and clever and funny and strong and has the very biggest heart. The hidden heart that sees and feels it all. It sends out a lot through simple but just a snippet of the whole and bigger version that lies hidden inside. The bigger part that cares too much, feels too much loves too much, and who hurts soooo much. More than anyone would ever realise.
But it also is the excitement and magic and wonder.
The simple girl shows just enough for others to be able to hold. A watered down version of what it really looks like. Trying to be a part of more than just me and finding that the easiest way.
It’s why P loves me. He loves the simple girl and the rest I hold back. That’s what makes me feel lonely but not alone.
Only in this job I can’t hide complicated. Because she is required in this work. But hiding in the trees by myself isn’t sustainable. To survive it I need to be able to show all of myself.
And already I’m feeling my fears. Others that can only see what things look like from their own perspective and aren’t interested in mine. Not having enough to go round.
And yet if people care about me then that means accepting all of me. And as me and J discussed tonight.. if people can’t do that then I need to be prepared for them to walk away from me and to feel ok in being completely alone .
I do it anyways when I am under those trees so what’s the difference everywhere else.
But I know that will hurt me. And I’m so tired of feeling hurt. Because just like everything else, ignorance is bliss.
And it hurts more when you’ve felt what you are missing..