The tree that smiled at me

Sometimes when I walk on my own I feel like I could keep on walking forever. Like Forest Gunp with his running. Walk red coat walk.
Today I finally put myself in the land of others and went swimming. Picking  the busiest moment with what seemed like a thousand old girls, taking over most of the pool, doing aqua aerobics. These are the moments that I find comedy. I’d like to say that the golden crew looked excited .and ready to party
as D I S C O rang out across the pool. In fact i I found myself chuckling (yes I found a chuckle today) at the lack lustre vibe that was happening next to me as I swam up and down. I wasn’t quite getting the feeling that any of them were feeling D delicious, I increbible S Super sexy C such a cutie oooh oooh oooh.
I found myself wanting to stop swimming and get the party started.
Not a feeling I have had over the last week and it felt nice.
I wonder sometimes how my brain is wired as I saw all the old boys checking things out from the hot tub. A few cocktails and a ltttle viagra and that place could have been a hotbed of  golden eest end style scandal.
Of course I would have only been rescuing I’ve taken this week off to try to rescue myself. .
But that smiley and comedy vibe inside felt good in that moment.

Thanks for having my 6. A military expression that was given to me by superman the other day after I shared something with him when he was feeling like “what’s the point”. .
He’s not the type of person to ask for help, I mean he’s superman, But I notice stuff, I feel stuff and I can never help but care. So I threw some love his way. No one can do it all by them selves however hard they try, not even a superhero.

And I know what not being able to do it all by myself looks like because I have been trying. Quietly hiding all of the pain and the hurt and the sadness so as not to hurt anyone else. Trying so hard to just keep going. To look after others and help them to be happy. Trying to be what they need and never giving up. Trying trying harder,
Until I hit this wall and felt completely overtaken by another’s life and I realised I could not even see myself anymore.
What’s the point. What difference do I make anyways.
Holding everybody else’s hurt and pushing all my own down and never having time to feel it.
And I crashed.
The high from being with my friends who love me anyways, to holding someone else’s complete lack of love in themself and realising that I didn’t much love myself either. It is theirs but I could feel a piece of mine. The part that says everyone else is better. What a loser you are.
And so I find myself in a battle with myself. To try and find myself underneath all the stuff I have taken from others .

“You can’t help but to hold other people’s hurt can you”J told me. What happens to yours?

“It gets squashed down to make room for others. I sonetimes put it on my blog” .

It made he think of superman. If he knew he would probably want to rescue me. But I don’t want to be rescued. I don’t need to be rescued.
I just need people to have my 6. So I called in reinforcements. People that I think would want to help me without judging me. I usually struggle to ask. Sometimes because I’m embarrassed that I’m struggling and feel like the weak one and also because I don’t want to burden others. I don’t want to worry them or make them feel like they have to make it better.. In a world where everyone is busy and everyone has stuff they are dealing with I don’t want to be the friend who feels like a burden.
But sometimes I just need to know that I’m not all alone in it. That someone understands and cares. That it is ok to be scared and sad and struggling. Because over the past few weeks I lost the ability to give that to myself. In fact In the last week I have struggled to find myself. Completely overwhelmed by another’s traumas.
Because I’m  not a super hero. I’m just a normal girl with all sorts of strengths but also lots of weaknesses. I would quite love to be that finished article, that perfect girl, the David who kicks Goliath’s arse. Maybe if I led a privileged life where life was all about self care then I might find myself closer to that. But I don’t live in that world and actually I wouldn’t  want to live a life like that. I want to try and make some sort of difference.
But when I go home I live in a similar world to people I see with struggles and money worries and just trying to get by. I’m just me and I have limitations. I try to push through all the challenges and try harder and even harder but sometimes It feels so hard to try to be everything. Sometimes I need others to help me push through that wall. So that I can keep on walking.
I put in the work myself. Always!
But sometimes i need to share as I sift through it all. Sharing snippets with some and looking for reassurance and security from others. To give me the extra strength required to keep moving and to keep doing what I’m doing. Because I think I’m good at it, and the people I see relate to me, they trust me and they feel able to be open with me. And i know they feel cared about by me because, well because I really do bloody care.

So for those few that are providing a little of the same for me right now, I am whole heartedly grateful. I generally don’t ask unless I really need it. When I have nothing left. When I’m completely empty.
I don’t have some of the places others can find that support. I can’t afford the extra therapy that I probably need right now. I don’t have a big supportive family who would understand or a whole array of different friends that I can contact in these moments. Or living with someone who is remotely interested in my job or in fact anything about me beyond what I give to him. But I do have  my girl who loves me and those few friends that I trust and I feel like they care about me. I’m always aware of how much I might ask of them. Because I care about them and would rather be a source of the good stuff. I don’t want to be the needy friend. Even though in a moment like this i do feel in need.

As I wandered aimlessly in the forest today I found myself completely lost and going in the total opposite direction to where I had planned to go.
P always says he doesn’t like me walking all alone in the forest.
I get it. Trying to protect me.
But I love being in the forest all on my own. It makes me feel free and helps me think.
Walking in the rain with not a soul to be seen. Peaceful, simple, beautiful and full of magic. Especially with the rain. Today I actually enjoyed it. I felt it. My only interaction was wihen a man and his dog walked past. I didn’t chat but I did get a wet and soggy cuddle from the dog. That made me smile.
That forest is so big that if I had kept on walking I could fall off the end of the world. But somehow I made it back to where I started. Not before passing the smiling tree. A million trees in the forest but I saw its face immediately smiling at me. I became the child as I looked up at it and smiled back imagining that it was going to lean over and put its arms round me. I wanted it to put its arms round me. I needed a hug So I imagined really hard and In my head that tree wrapped its branches around me and gave me the biggest and most loving cuddle. And In that moment I felt completely protected from the world.
A moment of wonder I shared with those few who gave me some time.
Knowing they are out there and today that helped me find a moment of comedy and a moment of wonder. And that wonder absolutely belonged to me.
Along with the reindeer hot water bottle I just found that used to cuddle me in my freezing cold hole in the ceiling flat. Something to cuddle later I thought.
Wonder Land!

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