A wish for the gentle girl

I feel so tired. That quiet tired when you have done all the jobs that everyone asks you to do. Taking care of everybodies needs and you finally stop. I wrap a blanket around me and hug my hot water bottle and sip my tea and eat a sweet digestive biscuit and have the background noise of a film I like but I’m too sleepy to watch it or to talk. I just want to sit quietly and stop. And feel peaceful. Peaceful in just being.
Demanding nothing of myself. Just letting myself be peaceful. Those most rare and beautifully warm moments where I don’t have to be what is needed in order to survive in my life and this world.
Me at my most simplest, quietest, realest, Gentle. Just me. The me that no one ever sees. The gentle girl who feels so warm inside and feels love bursting out of her. The sort of love that most people laugh at. That most people don’t believe exists. That is so soulful and perfect that you have to believe in it to really be able to feel it.
This girl is normally protected. The strength she has developed through all those years. She has learnt over many years to protect herself. Because she is at her most vulnerable in this real world. She isn’t made for this world and it isn’t made for her. She would only be ridiculed and taken advantage of. But I love to feel her. In these most wonderful and treasured of moments. How I wish this world could allow her to exist and survive in every moment. The gentle girl who is all the love.
Feeling all the things that hurt so painfully but more so all those moments when my soul soars in a way that I believe it will soar forever. When I love beyond the confines of my shell.
Who was most visible in those quiet moments when my girl was a baby and I would just sit with her in my arms in the quiet and we would look into each other’s eyes. And time would tick past .. but it felt like the greatest time ever spent. Just looking in to beautiful blue eyes knowing that I loved her and she loved me.
Without a single word required. Just a feeling from the deepest place, a place that can never be revealed and is beyond the understanding of life.
But if I could have a wish, any wish, if I could have anything I would want just for me, she would be what I wish for. To be that gentle girl every minute of every hour of every single day of my life. But to only feel the moments that have touched my soul and been felt so deeply ways that can never be shared but have made me glad for being alive in this world.
Because this is the girl I am and have always wished to be but this is the girl that others always hurt. So I will always protect her. She is the girl I love and I hide her beneath what I don’t so that she will never ever be hurt again.

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