Out there

Today I did something I rarely do in life. I showed someone what feeling sorry for myself looks like.
There is a virus sweeping the world, people losing their lives whilst their loved ones are left grieving .. and then me in my lesser worries and struggles feeling incredibly sad and  carrying the virus of self pity.
And I have the cheek to say “get a grip”

I can bully myself all I want but I have felt incredibly sad whilst others are full in motivation and inspiration. But I had just had enough of being strong. Relentlessly having to take care of everything on my own, holding all the pressures whilst showing that I’m a rock. Only underneath I am  crumbling.
And yet showing that I’m a rock isn’t about showing perfection. This is about instilling a feeling of security in others That I’m unbreakable and unshakable and in this uncertain and continuously changing time, I am the security
Perhaps I’m stronger, I’ve been through what feels like quite a lot,  but I am also more tired with an element of child in me saying “it’s just not fair”
Why is it always so easy for “those people”. They always have it so easy. How do I know it’s easy? They may be struggling even more than me. I have built huge amounts of resilience through all the different experiences of my life. People who may never have struggled might not know what it is to fall and have to get up. To be relentless in getting back up. I know how to do that. For others the fall might be too much.
But today it was too much for me. I was asked by my friend how I was and I was honest.
“I could cry!” But Holding those tears as there is no space to release them.
They offered to chat if I wanted. I thought about it. Who wants to listen to someone crying about running out of steam. just get on with it. That’s how it works in my world.
I have spent months thinking i was making someone more self sufficient so that I might be able to make choices for myself. Without guilt and more sadness and hurt. I mean how many ways can I say or show that I don’t want to hurt others. I just want to be able to make choices so that I might be happy.
Happy in the sane way others are. To have possibilities and choices . Working so hard to get to that point.
And the closer I was getting the more I felt like maybe I might deserve it.
And then a virus showed up that put pay to millions of peoples posdibilities, choices and happiness and sent me spinning all the way back to where I started without collecting anything as I passed Go.
So there I was on the kitchen counter surrounded my pots and pans and my cheap lap top crashing because it isn’t made for this much activity and some stuck up and miserable bird on a skype meeting telling me the imperative nature of a survey I need to complete before the end of the day. I’m glad i kept my camera switched off as I mouthed “oh fuck off” Something I would never do normally. Likewise i wouldn’t normally call someone a “condescending twat”. But there is a limit and I’ve reached it as I struggled to get all the other pointless work done, that doesn’t really help anyone in any meaningful way.
What the fuck is my life about?
I shouted out to the sun bathers in the garden “I’m taking my moment of daily exercise in the forest across the road. “
I could feel my heart pumping in not wishing to cry but wanting to be able to talk. To say to someone I can’t fucking keep going like a machine without an ounce of help. Where’s my self sufficient?
It’s not like I’m alone in feeing life this. There are people worse off I know it. But my usual guilt in feeling that others have it worse escaped me. It evaporated as I thought, I’ve been doing this now for 9 fucking months. Am I destined to never get to the other side. To just be someone who is able to help others find their happiness but not be allowed to have her own.
This life this world just feels so incredibly sad.
If the chance to talk hadn’t been offered I would not have asked. I know it. But I took the offer despite knowing that I would be left with that feeling of being the girl in the pack that is the loser rather than the winner. The Winners.. You know the ones. The ones who inspire others in all their knowledge and success and motivational moments.
But I still didn’t care today. Because I wasn’t feeling any of those things.
I just felt sad. Totally  and incredibly sad looking into the bleak unknown surrounded by worries and hardships and work and responsibility. And no one to tell me that it will all be ok.
As I walked through the forest I looked for a tree to sit on. I found one right in the sunshine and sat there for a moment so that I might find A little happy to cover my sad.
But as soon as I heard their voice it was like being given a cuddle by a cheeky and cuddly monkey who knows all my secrets but talks as though they don’t.
And I found myself mot feeling able to talk. Sitting on a tree with the sun shining on me crying to a cheeky and cuddly monkey. I would normally feel so embarrassed but I didn’t. Maybe because I couldn’t see them and they couldn’t see me. But I felt them in all their quietness.
I felt like a kid telling my friend why it’s all not fair and then agreeing with me ans saying yeah it’s not fair.
I don’t even know where the time went as I laid down on the tree with the sun shining on me and rambled on.
What is weird is their life is nothing like mine. In fact they described themself as a spoilt kid.
If that is true (it’s not to me) then they are the first spoilt kid who tries to understand what it might feel like to not be.
I would quite love to be spoilt.
Like sone demanding little diva who wants it all her way.
They seem to get whatever they want.
And yet I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable in those diva shoes. I just ain’t made that way.
But It was nice to have a moment not being the rock. Outside of my blog and not on my own.
As my friend chatted back they made me laugh. They have a gift for that. A natural knack of makimg me feel happier. And actually when they laugh, in their funny little kids laugh they have, that makes me even happier.
Because that laugh (which has a very particular sound) always sounds as close to the core of who they are as I’ve ever seen.
I got carried away in my moment of carefree, losing track of time. Realising I had been lying on a tree far longer than planned and there was a chance of a search party being sent out for me and still that fucking women’s survey to complete. I walked back to all the sane things I left.
I carried on with my work, sitting there until about 6.30 and then got straight on with the dinner followed by the washing up.
But just for a while in a secluded part of the forest i was sent a little slice of happiness through a voice on the phone and that voice made me feel like I deserved a little happiness .. free of charge .
And just knowing they were out there  left me feeling reallt lucky!

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